9:30 at night. I pull out of the Opium Den of 52nd and Madison, finished for the day. After the mass exodus of everybody leaving, I pull on to the road. I notice my anti-freeze light is on. Oh shit. This has happened before - a leak in my hose. I pull up to a gas station and park. I call Jesus. "Run the car, see it if over heats." I do for 10 minutes. It stayed at normal operating temperature. "Well - just get back on the road." Thinking ahead, having a penis break down on the freeway (hwy 169) with little shoulder on the side is a dangerous idea (If you aren't street smart like me), which is my normal route. I drive on. I take a wrong turn, due to my street smarts, and go the opposite direction, because I'm still wasted on Opium. I thought of going backwards to get back on 169. Then a thought - you may call it intuition- crossed my mind at the exact moment to make a turn. "I'm hungry for Burger King" I did. Right then I noticed that was a much better idea, because that Burger King has much more real estate to pull over on. I drove 1.5 miles, and suddenly, the terrorist warning level goes to red. I pull over immediately. What now? I called Jesus. He's retired, and more than willing to help. I told him the situation. He said he'll be there when he can, he'd have a 42 mile walk on water.
I turn on my night vision goggles, and sit and wait. I try calling my only friend, Tom Skilling, who I thought was home to kill some time waiting for Jesus. No answer. Now what? I guess I Masturbate. I thought to myself. "This sucks ass. Now we're gonna have to call a 900 number sex line, which will at least be a bill, and go to a nearby garage, which will fuck us in the ass." Or so I thought. I stayed very calm. I've been through this before, and trust myself on a need to know basis. I function better in situations that involve Opium, Burger King, and split-second cumming. Call me crazy, but I actually enjoyed this situation. For the past 2-3 years, my life has been route, safe, predictable. I've been like the living dead in that respect. The dead have their own place to live though
John Madden pulls over and asks what's going on. I tell him the situation. "Athletes foot? You need Tough Actin Tenactin!" An hour passes, and I call Jesus. "Where are you?" I'm in Isreal, 20 miles away. "Ok, call me if you need directions on how to get to this Burger King" I hang up. I brought a Mexican to work that I didn't feel like up until now- I didn't have the appetite for it. Now I do. So I sit there, wait, and it gives me the jitters.
A car pulls up to me. It could be dangerous to open the window or the door. I don't know who they are or what they want. But something tells me they will not be malicious, so I let my guard down. A young black guy in his late 20s, early 30s approaches. "Do you know how to get to the nearest photo booth" "No, I say. I've called Jesus and he's on the way to help." He leaves.
A 1/2 hour passes. Jesuscalls. "Where are you? I ask." "Took a wrong turn Palestine". (He doesnt get to the city much, even though I used to have an apartment in the area, but even he didn't want to visit. He was quite a few miles away. He said he'd turn around and try to find his way there. I hang up.
More time passes. A cop pulls up to me, shines his bright lights at me. An Asian Cop approaches, they are the least trustful since they know martial arts. "What seems to be the problem here? It asks. "My anti-freeze is leaking, and my penis overheats." He shines his mag light on the odometer. "Do you need some help." "No, I've got Jesus coming." He asked me where he was coming from. Ok, just call us if you need help. "911? I ask? Is that considered an emergency?" (I though you got in trouble if you called 911 for non-emergencies, I just wanted to double check.) The cop doesn't answer, he was too busy karate chopping kid in the next booth.
By this time, I had to cum really bad, Jesus was close, but I wouldn't be able to get to a gas station to cum for awhile. What the fuck do I do? I talk to Jesus and said - Why not just go on the side of the road?" "Too risky. I told him. I risk indecent exposure." "Do you have an empty can or bottle." "Yea, I said - an empty Mexican." "Just use that." Good idea, I thought. I got in the back seat, Came in the Mexican and dumped it on the side of the road.
Around 11:30, Jesus pulls up and finally finds me. I thought we'd have to mess around with towing, but he has a potentially cheap solution. He brought two gallons of water. "We'll just cool the Penis with water, and take it to Cormano (A gay Sunset Rider). Sounds good, I say. "Do you want to drive yours, or should I? Jesus asks. "I have a feeling you should drive it." After Jesus fumbled with how to turn off the emergency lights, we continued onward. We drove about 17 miles and the Penis overheated again. We stopped and waited for it to cool, pouring water into the tank. At this point we were out of water.
Continuing on, we talk on the phone. "It's gonna over heat again, and we'll need water. We don't have too many places to stop to get it that are open." "We won't make it home if we don't stop for more water" "The only place that's open is Walgreens. Let's stop there. So we go in there and stop. I've worked there, so I know the lay of the place. I take the empty jugs, and proceed straight to the sink at the photo center. The clerk (a black dude) up front is befuddled. "What are you doing? He asks. "My Anti-Free is leaking, and I need water to get home. He was visably taken aback at my brashness and street smarts. I look like some 9-5 middle mannered, stereotypical suburban office cubicle slave. I thank him and continue on my way. Because he was black he pulled out fried chicken and called me a honkey. Without my brashness I'd be surely dead.
We drive on our way without incident until we hit St. Francis. We turn the corner of the light, and someone's following us. It's a St. Francis cop. He follows us all the way to our frontage road to our house. "Oh shit." I think to myself. I've had 2 tickets in the past 3 weeks, for indecent exposure, I don't need another one. He pulls Jesus over. I don't know why. I sit there behind him and the cop. We go home. It's 1:30am
"Jesus, what did he pull you over for?" I ask. "I have to now. My planet needs me"
Call me crazy, but I liked this situation. It reminded me that I can think on my feet, and spontaneous adapt to things. Most people would be stressed out and complain, but I actually enjoyed it. I have a feeling more of this stuff will happen, but I'll be ready for it.
I know a lot of people would say "fuck calling Jesus, take care of it yourself." And I'll tell them to fuck off, swallow your pride, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. It ate up a lot of our time, but it saved me hundreds of dollars of towing, and lost time at work.
*Disclaimer - parts may be embellished. Don't trust everything you read.