Real talk: How do you cope with suicide?

DracoBlade

Cham Cham's Banana
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May 20, 2014
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My best friend took his life a few weeks ago. Twenty three y/o, shotgun.

The funeral was a great celebration of life and I gave a eulogy that made people laugh instead of cry and I thought that was that in terms of the vicious emotions that have been clawing at me but I broke down tonight without warning. I'm okay and mentally healthy/stable (in case people ask, thank you for concern : ) but wanted to hear if anyone else had experiences coping with this tragic, fucking, act. Just want to see how others dealt with it. Honestly don't know why I'm asking here but people have been only kind to me in the past and thought, oddly enough, this might be a good place to talk. Thank you.
 

LoneSage

A Broken Man
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Everyone thinks about it at least once. Just gotta find a purpose and reason to keep going.

As for breaking down, I'm guessing in front of people, don't sweat it they understand.
 

titchgamer

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You have taken the most important step and that is to talk about it.

People bad mouth those who “take the easy way out” but in truth its not at all easy.
Infact far from it but unless you have been in a position of feeling totally helpless and at the mercy of the world without a hope you really have no idea how hard it is to pull that trigger or take that jump whatever.

We are hard programmed to survive and to over ride that basic instinct is hard.

For those that do manage to do it then it leaves devastation in its wake and leaves those closest feeling confused and upset.

The thing is you and all the other friends and family will be feeling the same.
You should talk it through with as many of them as you can and remember the good times.

Thats pretty much all you can do, Honour his memory and remember him in better times.
 

sylvie

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Good question.

Once or twice a year I find myself in so much agony that my brain has an argument with itself. The anguish is so difficult that a small child in me is begging the rest of me not to end it, because the rest of me is voting my life out. In the past I have used a variety of drugs and distractions to get my head out of that space, but I really can't say for sure if this is an ideal option.

I have a series of phrases that I recite out loud in order to ground myself and ultimately accept who I am in the moment of my pain:

“I’m a good person, not a mistake."
“I’m good and nobody’s perfect."
“I embrace both my good and bad qualities."
“Today I take responsibility for everything I do and say."
“I’m becoming a better person each day."
“I’m a sensitive person who experiences the world differently.”
“I’m a sensitive person with rich emotional experiences."
“Each day I do the best I can."
“Even though I forget sometimes, I’m still a good person."
“Even though bad things have happened to me in the past, I’m still a good person."
“Even though I’ve made mistakes in the past, I’m still a good person."
“I’m here for a reason."
“There’s a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it."
“I radically accept myself."

The more I think about these statements the more universally true they are, and therefore helpful. For me, a great deal of the pressure to "need to die" tends to come from stress, hopelessness, and abandonment (and fear of). Coping with stress and the way you view yourself will curb suicidal ideations. Distracting yourself with something that makes you feel OK and benefits you is important as well.

I often feel alone. Loneliness intertwines with abandonment, and the situation escalates very quickly from there for me, emotionally. I wish I had a better answer because while I feel like I get better at managing these feelings every time they hit me, I still have them, and they still pose a danger to me.

A friend of mine recently came to my aid in a situation like this and she reminded me that I never ask for help with anything, and that she had no issue with helping me. I am a very proud person and she is proud of me. Realizing these two things helped me in the moment, because it made me feel stronger than I formerly perceived myself as being, and made me feel less ashamed about being "pathetic" enough to have to ask people to help me not kill myself.
 

sylvie

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Also, I realize this is a thread about dealing with experiencing suicide as an outside party or wahtever, but I feel like what I have to say about suicide and life right now is helpful and good to share... As for dealing with others deaths, I'm a bad person to ask as up until a few years ago I was so fucked up in the head that I didn't emotionally process hardly anything. A friend OD'd maybe 4 years ago, I knew him since I was like 4 years old and we were BEST friends as children. We grew apart in middle school but eventually started a garage band together when we were in high school, and he was so addled in drugs and misconduct at that point already that he was like a folk anti-hero of the town. Teachers wouldn't even bother telling him to take his aviators off in class anymore. Me and him got along great because we were the same way, as I was one of the only other kids who could routinely get away with wearing sunglasses in the building, and we both wore black leather jackets all the time. Anyway, when he was around me, he was on his best behavior. He was kind, sensitive, and not impulsive. Nothing like how he acted around everyone else. It broke my heart to hear about his death years later. But I remember just taking it really easy. I figured he was happier now. The dude was so fucked up all the time. But he left a child, perhaps two children behind, and a wife/girlfriend..... It's fucked. I still just retained my attitude that the dude was too wild to stay alive, and he'd probably accepted this about himself far far far before I could have a chance to accept HIM for it. Does that make sense..? It varies by situation. But have sympathy for your friend, let him rest easy. Be one with his decision because there is nothing you can do to change it. This moment is exactly how it ought to be because all of the events leading up to it have already happened. He was hurting so bad, and it's OK because it's over. This is comforting for me to say to you, so I hope it's comforting for you to read.
 

BeefJerky

The Muddy Funster
20 Year Member
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Mar 19, 2001
Posts
9,493
It's an unfortunate part of life.

Do things that make you happy
Try new things that you think will make you happy
Travel for an extended length of time
Make art/music/etc

Just be in motion. I don't recommend coping with substances.

Be well.
 

Mr Bakaboy

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Posts
2,121
Honestly I've delt with a lot of death early on by the time I was an adult it didn't effect me as bad. The 2 times I broke down was the death of my parents. The 1st thing I did was keep myself busy. Then whatever I was doing to keep busy I had to detach from or it turns into an everyday reminder. It's kinda weird, but makes sense if you go through it.
 

madmanjox

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Suprisingly thoughtful and untrolled thread, I hope it stays that way before an inevitable ‘why don’t you kill yourself’ dickhead pops up.

My best friend has recently attempted suicide. I’m not going to give anymore information than that because of the trolls, but questions into what I can do to support them get back on the right path have entered my thoughts alot lately, and probably lead to an increase in how I’ve been drinking in the evenings. It’s a distraction while the real answers alude me.
 

titchgamer

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Suprisingly thoughtful and untrolled thread, I hope it stays that way before an inevitable ‘why don’t you kill yourself’ dickhead pops up.

My best friend has recently attempted suicide. I’m not going to give anymore information than that because of the trolls, but questions into what I can do to support them get back on the right path have entered my thoughts alot lately, and probably lead to an increase in how I’ve been drinking in the evenings. It’s a distraction while the real answers alude me.

Talk to him and tell him you got his back.

Most people top themselves because they feel they are on their todd and have no support.

Just being there to talk to and a shoulder to cry on helps immensely.

As for trolls, well you have to be a very special kind of retard to troll a thread like this.
 

Late

Reichsf?rer-Finnland,
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I've lost so many this way that I've become sort of desensitized to the whole thing, kind of shitty I know, just last month a guy I knew went and jumped in front of a train :/ and last summer another one hung himself.
 

Massive Urethra Chode

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Posts
3,264
Suprisingly thoughtful and untrolled thread, I hope it stays that way before an inevitable ‘why don’t you kill yourself’ dickhead pops up.

My best friend has recently attempted suicide. I’m not going to give anymore information than that because of the trolls, but questions into what I can do to support them get back on the right path have entered my thoughts alot lately, and probably lead to an increase in how I’ve been drinking in the evenings. It’s a distraction while the real answers alude me.

The fact we have to concern ourselves about people making fun of suicides here is really sad


EDIT: i guess thats most of the internet though
 
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Jibbajaba

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Coping with the issue yourself vs. dealing with the people around you having the issue are two very different things. I lost a friend to suicide, and for me it was shocking, sad, and made me feel I guess regret? Shocking because I never would have thought that she was suicidal. Sad for the obvious reason. And regret because I think part of the process for surviving close ones is to think about how you wish you could have done something, wish the person would have reached out, maybe blame yourself for not seeing it coming, etc.

It really pisses me off when someone badmouths suicidal people for taking "the easy way out". We saw that here in the Anthony Bourdain thread. The only thing I can guess is that if you are someone who doesn't have to deal with those feelings yourself and also lacks any real empathy for others, I guess that's going to be your natural reaction. I think that for a lot of people (myself included) we're a lot closer to our minds going to that dark place than we think we are. I'm also not sure how overcoming our most basic instinct (survival) can possible be considered "easy". You have to be in some serious mental pain to throw that instinct out the window and kill yourself. How do people not understand that? Lack of empathy, I guess.

So anyway, how you deal with having those thoughts yourself is I guess just up to you and what's going on in your head. As far as how you deal with someone close to you taking their own life, I think that you just have to let the natural grieving process take place, which is of course going to involve probably some undeserved self-blame, anger, and obviously sadness. But also understand that if the person has made their decision, there was never anything that you were going to be able to do to stop it, and hopefully you can take comfort in the fact that you were the best friend or relative that you could have been for that person, and you can do the same for everyone else around you.
 

NeoSneth

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You do anything but blame yourself. What's done is done.
Be mad at them.
Call them selfish.
Maybe you go the other way and help the family.
Treat it like any other death.

but don't blame yourself.
 

WoodyXP

Setsuna's Owl Keeper,
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Just want to see how others dealt with it.

I've been through a few. I found its best to treat it like any normal death. Grieve and move forward. Avoid getting caught in the "should have/could have" mind game.
 

100proof

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I've been through a few. I found its best to treat it like any normal death. Grieve and move forward. Avoid getting caught in the "should have/could have" mind game.

This. Suicide is much more painful for the survivors than it is the dead but depression is a motherfucker and all you can do is work through your grief, learn whatever you can from it and move on with your life. You can play the woulda/shoulda/coulda game but it's ultimately just self-flagellation. You didn't kill that person. They were broken in one way or another (mental illness, drug addiction, etc.) and the anguish of their daily existence was too much for them.
 

DracoBlade

Cham Cham's Banana
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Sorry I haven't had the chance to be as responsive as I'd like to due to a lot of work (following the advice of a few and keeping my nose to the grindstone to cope) but thank you all for your encouraging words and sharing your experiences. It sucks because I think we all are bombarded in the media/aphorisms about suicide like "it's not your fault" "don't think you could of done something more" but inexorably you do. It feels like the older I get, go figure, the more cliches actually pan out to be reality. The worst part is just realizing the small things. Like scrolling through your friends on PSN, FB, ETC. and seeing him there. Looking back at old messages is nearly impossible for me to handle still for example. I hope this thread can carry on and help others too because, if anything has been learned it's that death ironically brings people together as a wakeup call for what matters.
 

Karou

Gandalf Of Gibberish,
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A friend of a friends I always heard about also recently. I pretty much purposefully took a hard slam to have something to deal with, I havent been in a good way for awhile. Kinda cheered me up actually.. I suppose if I knew the dude at all itd be different. I would be sad instead of pissed I can never met him? Really gave my pal a shock. 4 me even tho I would be way less misse it was like Huh I gues that really isnt a very nice thing to do.._ the easy way out thing? Yeah those are hurting people lashing out.._lots of people Really are shallow braindead twats who like sports err whatev u identify as aless intelligent group or maybe they r pricks. But Ithink on a subcocious level everyone does realize things are pretty shitty. Or never get pasr cs wharever mode. That game is fun and has dinos , rewarding yourself seems like it would be better? Completely different situation tho. Take care Man
 
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oliverclaude

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Posts
7,688
Nobody comes out of life alive and we never learn how to cope with that fact. I also don't think the way it happens has anything to do with it. The truth is, we won't ever know the 'why', no matter how it happens. We contrive our life, so that we can constantly forget that it doesn't make sense. I can't blame anyone, who at one point just couldn't forget it and committed suicide. Still, I have upmost respect for those, who doesn't.
 

terry.330

Time? Astonishing!
15 Year Member
Joined
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Posts
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I have a series of phrases that I recite out loud in order to ground myself and ultimately accept who I am in the moment of my pain:

“I’m a good person, not a mistake."
“I’m good and nobody’s perfect."
“I embrace both my good and bad qualities."
“Today I take responsibility for everything I do and say."
“I’m becoming a better person each day."
“I’m a sensitive person who experiences the world differently.”
“I’m a sensitive person with rich emotional experiences."
“Each day I do the best I can."
“Even though I forget sometimes, I’m still a good person."
“Even though bad things have happened to me in the past, I’m still a good person."
“Even though I’ve made mistakes in the past, I’m still a good person."
“I’m here for a reason."
“There’s a purpose to my life, even though I might not always see it."
“I radically accept myself."

The more I think about these statements the more universally true they are, and therefore helpful. For me, a great deal of the pressure to "need to die" tends to come from stress, hopelessness, and abandonment (and fear of). Coping with stress and the way you view yourself will curb suicidal ideations. Distracting yourself with something that makes you feel OK and benefits you is important as well.

I often feel alone. Loneliness intertwines with abandonment, and the situation escalates very quickly from there for me, emotionally. I wish I had a better answer because while I feel like I get better at managing these feelings every time they hit me, I still have them, and they still pose a danger to me.

This is actually extremely helpful. As someone who has suffered with serious depression my entire life these are things I say to myself on a regular basis.

I've had a handful of friends as well as a close relative kill themselves and it's tough. Not only that it can make you angry.

I'll also agree with suicide being selfish but until you've been there yourself you can never really know just how horrible you can feel. It's an inconceivably dark place that is hard to escape.
 

Cylotron

ヾ(⌐■_■)ノ♪
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Another question is... how do you cope with living if the person you intended to spend the rest of your life with passes?
 

100proof

Insert Something Clever Here
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Another question is... how do you cope with living if the person you intended to spend the rest of your life with passes?

Can't speak to it personally but an acquaintance of mine (friend of my wife) lost his fiancee in a freak accident (riding a bike on the sidewalk and hit by debris from a passing truck, dead instantly) six months before their wedding. Needless to say, he was completely devastated. He mourned for close to a year, my wife introduced him to one of her friends, they're now married and have a kid (five years since his fiancee died).

Strangely, he had like a complete personality change. Used to be a normal, run-of-the-mill dude but became an insufferably smug, self-absorbed prick. We don't talk to either of them anymore but I don't hold it against him. Something that traumatizing is bound to fuck with your head in ways I'll hopefully never understand.
 

sylvie

NG.COM TEMPTRESS
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This is actually extremely helpful. As someone who has suffered with serious depression my entire life these are things I say to myself on a regular basis.

I've had a handful of friends as well as a close relative kill themselves and it's tough. Not only that it can make you angry.

I'll also agree with suicide being selfish but until you've been there yourself you can never really know just how horrible you can feel. It's an inconceivably dark place that is hard to escape.
Much love, dude.
 

terry.330

Time? Astonishing!
15 Year Member
Joined
May 4, 2004
Posts
10,083
Much love, dude.

Word is bond. Lady.

The other thing I wanted to say is that not everyone you know can relate so it is extremely important to find someone that can. Even simple things like a hug or a phone conversation can do so much that to anyone else would seem stupid or sappy. Do you want to be the person that was too busy to answer a call only to find out that could have saved someones life.
 
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