Gennosuke the Ronin
Edo Express Delivery Guy
- Joined
- May 25, 2001
- Posts
- 340
Oh, God... where did you find THAT one? I'll be laughing about that one for the rest of the day! <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">
(Good) Jokes
- Thread starter steveold
- Start date
Edo Express Delivery Guy
TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Make a list of things you have already done.
7. Dance naked in front of your pets.
8. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing is wrong,
9. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the "ethnic" bodies.
10. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
11. Drive to work in reverse.
12. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublime messages.
13. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
14. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
15. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says, "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Make a list of things you have already done.
7. Dance naked in front of your pets.
8. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing is wrong,
9. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the "ethnic" bodies.
10. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
11. Drive to work in reverse.
12. Read the dictionary backwards and look for sublime messages.
13. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.
14. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
15. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
Gennosuke the Ronin
Edo Express Delivery Guy
- Joined
- May 25, 2001
- Posts
- 340
Little boy? <IMG SRC="smilies/spock.gif" border="0"> I don't know about everyone else, but I don't care what I see or hear. I am the almighty age of 18! The second most overrated age ever!
Nah, that's ok. Your posts are funny though. <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0">
Nah, that's ok. Your posts are funny though. <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0">
SEX IN THE DARK
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly ...."I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly ...."I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2000
- Posts
- 6,160
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the country he was searching for one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened match box, and out buzzed
a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is really VERY impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoooosh! Whoooosh! Whoooosh! but the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill."
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his skills. The Chinese Samurai also opened match box, and out buzzed
a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is really VERY impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoooosh! Whoooosh! Whoooosh! but the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled. "Well," he replied, "circumcision is not meant to kill."
OK here are mine; they are actually limiricks: -
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have another daughter.
<IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have another daughter.
<IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">
Two prostitutes were standing on a street corner, discussing their life situations. One girl looked at the other and asked, "Have you ever been picked up by the FUZZ?" The other girl replied, "No, but I've been swung around by my tits before!"
<IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">
<IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.........
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-years-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
4. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
5. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
6. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most Admired People".
7. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
8. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
9. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
10. You've got more than one brother named Darryl.
<IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0">
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-years-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.
4. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
5. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
6. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most Admired People".
7. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
8. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
9. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
10. You've got more than one brother named Darryl.
<IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0">
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
Have you been to my and Gokusama 26's state Mercedes? <IMG SRC="smilies/spock.gif" border="0">
N
nonstoprock88
Guest
I have a few jokes...
A woman goes up to her boss and says, " I want to file a sexual harassment compliant against Jim!"
The boss replies, "What did he say?"
"He told me my hair smelled nice.", the woman said.
The boss replied, "What's wrong with that?"
The woman answered, "Jim's a midget!"
Next joke....
Why are blondes not supposed to eat pickles?
Because they get their heads stuck in the jars.
Some questions to make you think....
If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
If 7-11 is open 24 hrs., why are there locks on the doors?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the the opposite of progrees; congress?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it's face turn?
If SuperMan can't walk (Chirtopher Reeves), does that mean AquaMan is going to drown in the bath tub?
A woman goes up to her boss and says, " I want to file a sexual harassment compliant against Jim!"
The boss replies, "What did he say?"
"He told me my hair smelled nice.", the woman said.
The boss replied, "What's wrong with that?"
The woman answered, "Jim's a midget!"
Next joke....
Why are blondes not supposed to eat pickles?
Because they get their heads stuck in the jars.
Some questions to make you think....
If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
If 7-11 is open 24 hrs., why are there locks on the doors?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the the opposite of progrees; congress?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it's face turn?
If SuperMan can't walk (Chirtopher Reeves), does that mean AquaMan is going to drown in the bath tub?
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
It's a bit of a paradox as there are good looking guys AND crummy hillbillies here. Jeff Foxworthy is SO perceptive. <IMG SRC="smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0">
Daisuke Jigen
R.I.P.,, Dear Friend,
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2000
- Posts
- 4,577
Good old Kansas.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ......
11. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
12. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
13. You go to a family reunion looking for a date.
14. Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
15. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start Your Engines".
16. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
17. You take a six-pack cooler to church.
18. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
19. The bluebook value of your truck goes up & down, depending on how much gas is in it.
20. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
<IMG SRC="smilies/makeface.gif" border="0">
11. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
12. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
13. You go to a family reunion looking for a date.
14. Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
15. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen start Your Engines".
16. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
17. You take a six-pack cooler to church.
18. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
19. The bluebook value of your truck goes up & down, depending on how much gas is in it.
20. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
<IMG SRC="smilies/makeface.gif" border="0">
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
Oh and BTW Mercedes, if you don't stop making fun of me and my home I am gonna start making fun of you........if I knew anything about you. <IMG SRC="smilies/makeface.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">
<IMG SRC="smilies/redface.gif" border="0"> Isn't Jeff Foxworthy your name indeed. We are talking about you and Gokusama26 living in the land of cows. Aren't we? Cross my heart, like the Playtex bra, I am not making fun of your hometown. I am merely stating the fact that on your car license tag doesn't it say 'Home of the MOO'?
<IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
Ohhhhh, you are just asking for this to go to the war room. <IMG SRC="smilies/mad2.gif" border="0"> If I only knew some thing about you or where you were from you would really get it.
<IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0"> BTW, please do that Playtex Bra thing again you are making me <IMG SRC="smilies/drool2.gif" border="0">
P.S. I hope no one says, "Hey you two get a room!". <IMG SRC="smilies/loco.gif" border="0">
Daisuke Jigen
R.I.P.,, Dear Friend,
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2000
- Posts
- 4,577
Naw, I got one of the spares out of the living room, and all it says is "Kansas"
"May 01", and "OKQ 219". I should probably oughta throw it away. I am not embarassed to admit I live in the sticks, I'm not a cowboy, nor will I ever be. I just live in a nice small town where I don't have to worry bout nothin. I hardly ever lock the front door at night, lest there was a jailbreak in Leavenworth.
[ July 09, 2001: Message edited by: gokusama26 ]
Daisuke Jigen
R.I.P.,, Dear Friend,
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2000
- Posts
- 4,577
I'll tell sheriff Taylor you're coming, so's the locals don't run ya off.
Laserblast
Hardened Shock Trooper
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2001
- Posts
- 427
<IMG SRC="smilies/crying.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/crying.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/crying.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/redface.gif" border="0">