A serious question...

[Fox1]

So I rarely post serious questions (mostly just me complaining about eBay and Paypal). However I'm not quite sure what to do about this. A few months ago I found my dad in the chair downstairs having a heart attack (at around 2-3am...I'm a night owl so that was lucky). Anyway, he was taken to the hospital where he was in an induced coma for a couple of weeks. We were told it was because one of the arteries was completely blocked (not a major one, but not a minor one either). He was let go a few weeks later and has since completed his rehabilitation. I'd say he is back to somewhere close to 95-100%. Now comes the problem. One of the causes of this is because my dad comes from a Ukrainian heritage, meaning lots of butter/fat/etc types of food. He grew up like this and continued it throughout his adulthood. My mom cooked for him throughout his rehabilitation (lots of veggies etc)..and he lost a lot of weight. (50 lbs, to around 216 lbs). However now that he is off rehabilitation , he is sneaking food like fast food, sardines in heavy salt, chocolate, putting butter in everything again and who knows what other things I'm not aware of. If I tell my sisters/mom about it, he calls me a "tattle tale", gets pissed off and says I get some sort of sick pleasure out of telling on him.

My grandfather had the same problem, he was very stubborn. One time I found him bleeding in his bed when I was visiting him. He said he fell and I insisted that we go to the hospital...he declined and said he was fine. I told him I would call the ambulance if he didn't and he told me in an angry tone not to do this. In the end I had to call my sister and have her guilt trip him into letting me take him (my sister and my grandfather were very close). It's basically the same thing here, I call my sister and guilt trip him since I can do jack shit. This is one of the reasons I want to move to Japan permanently (against my mom's wishes), so I don't have to see stuff like this again.

I know people will say "It's his life, let him do what he wants." Yeah, well the problem with that is the entire family doesn't want to see him in a coma again and I don't want to hear my mom cry like that again. I know this is not the easiest thing to answer, but does anyone have any ideas?

 

[NeoSneth]

Be a tattle tale if you can handle it, just don't be mean about it. He might hate you, but everyone else will understand. It might even have a positive impact on other people's behavior.

People get real stubborn with age. Your scenario is pretty common with with aging parents.

In reality, most of the damage has probably been done. Changing behavior at this point will not fix his arteries. You can just hope to improve his mobility, and enable him to take care of himself.

 

[fake]

This is the second time I've heard the same thing recently. My friend's dad had a heart attack because he eats nothing but greasy food. He got out of the hospital and immediately ate 3 burgers.

If losing a ton of weight and feeling better (pretty much guaranteed when getting of a pure trash food diet) didn't get him to change his diet, I don't know what will. I think sneaking bad food is fine - anything in moderation. But it might have to come down to your mom only buying healthy food so he has less access to junk food.

 

[munchiaz]

Maybe he resorts to bad food because it makes him feel better. He may be depressed, and eating those "comfort" foods put him at ease.

 

[ballzdeepx]

Theres nothing you can do other than make him aware of what hes putting you through. My wifes father had the exact same story as this but he also continued to smoke, never had life insurance either so he left her and her mother in dire straights.
Either he cares more about his family or himself, thats what it boils down to.

 

[Fox1]

Maybe he resorts to bad food because it makes him feel better. He may be depressed, and eating those "comfort" foods put him at ease.

Well, I believe it's because it's how he was raised. From what I heard it was butter/fat/chocolate basically everyday.

This is the second time I've heard the same thing recently. My friend's dad had a heart attack because he eats nothing but greasy food. He got out of the hospital and immediately ate 3 burgers.

If losing a ton of weight and feeling better (pretty much guaranteed when getting of a pure trash food diet) didn't get him to change his diet, I don't know what will. I think sneaking bad food is fine - anything in moderation. But it might have to come down to your mom only buying healthy food so he has less access to junk food.

Well in his case he will just sneak things continuously...like just now he came back from KFC and said "Don't tell anyone"....It's hard not to feel worried....

 

[DevilRedeemed]

it sounds like a tough situation for you.
but I strongly suggest that you make it clear that you will not collude with him - he cannot make you an accomplice in his own demise - else you will do what you feel is in both your best interest, whatever that may be. so for him to tell you not to tell cannot fly.
best of luck

 

[mr_b]

There's a happy medium to be found here. What you have to remember is that this is his life. Sure you and your family care for him and I'm sure he loves you all as well. But if he's happy doing these things and it ends up being what kills him. That's okay. We all have our vices. Life doesn't last forever and isn't meant to. What is the point of living if you aren't enjoying the things that make you happy in it. Enjoy the person and the time you have with them.

Instead of setting up all of these rules around him you work on a compromise and work on having some meals together as a family that he will enjoy in addition to the healthier ones. Perhaps something like that will help alleviate the hiding of some of this.

 

[Neodogg]

quality of life over quantity

 

[LoneSage]

that is the dumbest fucking reason to want to move to Japan.

 

[Fox1]

that is the dumbest fucking reason to want to move to Japan.

I didn't mean it as a main reason (I want to actually move there cause I liked teaching there), but it just reinforces it.

 

[loegan43]

I absolutely say it's the right thing to tell your mom and sisters about him sneaking food. It's about preserving his life and getting him to change his behavior. Stay vigilant about it and eventually he'll understand it's because you want him to live and care about him. I've gone through a similar situation with my own dad. He'll eventually see it's his lack of control that's the problem not you telling on him.

 

[Tjanko04]

That's a real bitch of a situation to be in. What you're describing isn't rare at all. I've had a similar situation with two father-in-laws. My ex wife's dad had a stroke that took him about 3 years to fully recover from. Had to walk with a cane and shit in his early 50s. Of course he didn't bother to stop smoking or eating like shit. Granted, he tried to hide the smoking, poorly. Just regularly denied it while literally holding it behind his back. He's all kinds of fucked up now. Early 60s and on disability, rarely does shit but watch TV.

My wife's dad on the other hand had a heart attack a few weeks ago but got to the hospital in time for them to do surgery before going into cardiac arrest. Almost full blockage of a major artery (same thing that killed his dad). Different attitude entirely though. Admitted that he put on some weight after his divorce and wasn't taking care of himself like he should have and apologized to my wife and sister-in-law. He's a stubborn guy himself, but he at least knows when shit effects more than just himself.

I really think some of the stuff is psychological. In addition to being raised a certain way, there could be mental blockages that aren't allowing the necessary changes to be made. You can reason with them until you are blue in the face, but if they don't have that mental capacity to make the changes or the personality to put their family's needs first, you'll just go nowhere.

Sometimes we think, "if we can just support our argument with enough logic, they'll have to change," when in reality, they probably already know you're right.

Stuff like that probably can't be fixed unless you fix the mental part with therapy or whatever. Chances are though, a lot of people aren't gonna agree to address mental health issues, so you just end up stuck.

Hope things can get better, it sounds hard as fuck on all of you guys.

 

[Fox1]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. It seems like the best way to do it is to just keep trying to get him off the crappy food and reporting it to the family.

 

[ForeverSublime]

I know people will say "It's his life, let him do what he wants."

I've seen this answered, "If it's your life, then I'm not dealing with the [outcomes]"

That's a hell of a thing to see. I'm sure your family is happy you were there to help.

 

[oliverclaude]

First: running away won't solve anything. Besides, doing an egotrip to let your family down is truly fake. Move to Japan, because you want to, not because you want to escape responsibility.

Second: it's a delicate matter, but you have to be stubborn, too. Older folks have also the responsibility to take care of their health, if they're still loved, respected and needed in the family -- which apparently is the case here.

You have to say clearly, what you think about it and brawl with your arguments. After all you care, right? Don't be afraid to show it. If you do it fiercely, you'll know, you did everything you could regardless of the outcome. Going against the grain is never easy, but surrendering too easy never is the right decision either.