So I started to read the bible (I'm not religious)...

[Spike Spiegel]

.... And let me tell you, there is some bat shit insane things going on in this thing. I just started reading it, but off the top of my head, here's the ones that I found super crazy:

Noah, after the flooding of the world, gets piss assed drunk. So drunk that he passes out naked. 600 Year old Noah, drunk off his ass. His son, Ham, comes in and sees this, and what does he do? He tells his brothers, "yo, dad is wasted as fuck." Noah wakes up, and instead of saying, "my bad," he instead curses not Ham, but Ham's son. WTF. Take some responsibility you lush.

Abraham talks with God (this happened all the time back then. Like they had God on their facebook, or something), and right after he walks into his house (which is a sausage fest). He tells every dude there, "Gather 'round everyone, I just got a PM from God saying all yall gotta cut your foreskins off. Hand em over." And every single one of them was FINE with it. No argument what so ever.

I think it was Lot in Sodom and Gamorah (sp). Two angels knock on his door, and he lets them in. Soon a few people come knocking asking to see the Angels. Lot is like, "look, don't mess with those dudes. They're cool. Here, have sex with my daughters instead." Seriously, not "please go away" or "you've got the wrong house," but, "here, run a train on my two daughters."

Lastly, speaking of having sex with people's daughters, Lot (I think) was sleeping one night and HIS DAUGHTERS get him drunk and fuck him. Two nights in a row this happens. What in the name of Christ (literally) is this book going on about?!

After reading just so much (and I plan to read the whole thing), how can ANYONE be Christian and have the audacity to insult anyone else's beliefs? This makes Scientology look super tame in comparison. I was smiling reading this damn thing because the stories in this are just too absurd.

 

[Rot]

xROTx

PS. I have read the Bible twice... both times I considered reading it on the toilet...

Go figure...

 

[CORY]

Post of the year

 

[fake]

After reading just so much (and I plan to read the whole thing), how can ANYONE be Christian and have the audacity to insult anyone else's beliefs?

Yup. It drives me nuts when people (Christians, Jewish, whatever) slander the Quran, saying how violent and misogynistic it is, when, in reality, the Bible is too. They're BOTH fucked up beyond belief.

@Rot: Well, that's another thing. They used to say everything in the Bible was fact. People started saying "This Adam and Eve thing sounds like bullshit." And so then it's, "Oh, well that's symbolic." And that keeps happening over and over again with more parts of the Bible. How long until it's officially all bullshit?

 

[FilthyRear]

.... And let me tell you, there is some bat shit insane things going on in this thing. I just started reading it, but off the top of my head, here's the ones that I found super crazy:

Noah, after the flooding of the world, gets piss assed drunk. So drunk that he passes out naked. 600 Year old Noah, drunk off his ass. His son, Ham, comes in and sees this, and what does he do? He tells his brothers, "yo, dad is wasted as fuck." Noah wakes up, and instead of saying, "my bad," he instead curses not Ham, but Ham's son. WTF. Take some responsibility you lush.

Abraham talks with God (this happened all the time back then. Like they had God on their facebook, or something), and right after he walks into his house (which is a sausage fest). He tells every dude there, "Gather 'round everyone, I just got a PM from God saying all yall gotta cut your foreskins off. Hand em over." And every single one of them was FINE with it. No argument what so ever.

I think it was Lot in Sodom and Gamorah (sp). Two angels knock on his door, and he lets them in. Soon a few people come knocking asking to see the Angels. Lot is like, "look, don't mess with those dudes. They're cool. Here, have sex with my daughters instead." Seriously, not "please go away" or "you've got the wrong house," but, "here, run a train on my two daughters."

Lastly, speaking of having sex with people's daughters, Lot (I think) was sleeping one night and HIS DAUGHTERS get him drunk and fuck him. Two nights in a row this happens. What in the name of Christ (literally) is this book going on about?!

After reading just so much (and I plan to read the whole thing), how can ANYONE be Christian and have the audacity to insult anyone else's beliefs? This makes Scientology look super tame in comparison. I was smiling reading this damn thing because the stories in this are just too absurd.

It sounds much more entertaining when it's told like this. Please do this again, this was brilliant.

 

[Tripredacus]

I think it was Lot in Sodom and Gamorah (sp). Two angels knock on his door, and he lets them in. Soon a few people come knocking asking to see the Angels. Lot is like, "look, don't mess with those dudes. They're cool. Here, have sex with my daughters instead." Seriously, not "please go away" or "you've got the wrong house," but, "here, run a train on my two daughters."

Lastly, speaking of having sex with people's daughters, Lot (I think) was sleeping one night and HIS DAUGHTERS get him drunk and fuck him. Two nights in a row this happens. What in the name of Christ (literally) is this book going on about?!

I've seen these on redtube I think

 

[SML]

I think it was Lot in Sodom and Gamorah (sp). Two angels knock on his door, and he lets them in. Soon a few people come knocking asking to see the Angels. Lot is like, "look, don't mess with those dudes. They're cool. Here, have sex with my daughters instead." Seriously, not "please go away" or "you've got the wrong house," but, "here, run a train on my two daughters."

Lastly, speaking of having sex with people's daughters, Lot (I think) was sleeping one night and HIS DAUGHTERS get him drunk and fuck him. Two nights in a row this happens. What in the name of Christ (literally) is this book going on about?!

 

[100proof]

After reading just so much (and I plan to read the whole thing), how can ANYONE be Christian and have the audacity to insult anyone else's beliefs? This makes Scientology look super tame in comparison. I was smiling reading this damn thing because the stories in this are just too absurd.

It's pretty simple: the vast majority of Christians don't read the Bible and the ones who do have it spoonfed to them through the narrow lens of Christian apologetics. The Tanakh/Hebrew Bible/Old Testament is a fascinating read for people of almost any interest or field of study. Lawyer? Read Leviticus. You like fantasy books? Read the non-creation parts of Genesis. You like smut? Read Song of Solomon. You like brutal violence? Well... that's pretty much all of it.

Just don't read the King James version. That's like the Star Wars Special Editions of Jewish scripture.

 

[ki_atsushi]

It's ok a lot of people miss the point of the bible. It's not all just about telling you what to do, more like not what to do if you don't want to fuck up your life. Take the ten commandments for example... God says "be thou holy and perfect". Is anyone? Not even close. The ten commandments are there to show people God's ideal of perfection, and that no one can live up to it, so we need him.

These stories (which aren't just allegories, BTW) are there to show that in spite of some pretty fucked up things people have done, God can still work things out for good in your life if you trust in him. That's all.

A lot of shit like the dietary laws were just for the Jews, because apparently they didn't know how to cook back then, lol. They were told some animals were "unclean" probably because of trichina worms and other dangerous parasites.

In the New Testament, The apostle Paul (iirc) just tells one of the early churches: abstain from fornication, meat offered to idols, from things strangled (not good to eat), and from blood and ye do well. (slight paraphrasing so I'm not putting quotes on it). Sounds pretty practical for healthy living, actually. Must have been a lot of blood borne disease back then too.

 

[GohanX]

Lol, this thread is amazing.

Btw, I recommend starting in Matthew, not Genesis.

 

[skate323k137]

A+ would read again.

 

[ki_atsushi]

By the way, Sodom and Gomorrah weren't just destroyed because of teh gayz... it was the level of sinfulness and corruption in general (the judges were especially shit). Abraham argued with God that if there were even 10 righteous people that he would spare the cities. God said sure... but sadly there weren't even 10 to be found, so away they went.

Lot's daughters got him drunk and fucked him because they thought they were the last people on earth, lol. They thought they were doing a good thing by trying to repopulate. Dumbasses.

 

[Ip Man]

the holy books are a perfect example of evidence to show that human intelligence is overrated. any one who reads them and doesn't come to the conclusion that this so called creator lacks the intelligence and understanding that his own creation has, must be a complete retard.

 

[ki_atsushi]

 

[mjmjr25]

Lol, this thread is amazing.

Btw, I recommend starting in Matthew, not Genesis.

I realize no one wants srs discussions in this thread - but I hope there is an understanding that the OLD Testament is the flaw of man; decisions of men - often against the instruction of God. The OLD Testament pulls no punches about what was, but it is not meant as a guidepost to live one's life. That occurs with the New Covenant. Any Christian will tell you the Old Testament is filled with evil and brutality and questionable instructions and horrible decisions...this has zero to do with Christianity or the teachings of Christ.

 

[Rot]

I was brought up Roman Catholic... fully baptised...

I'm now an atheist...

xROTx

PS. Ironically my friend asked me to be Godfather to his baby boy... I said... sure... why not...

EDIT: It's a fucked up world...

 

[Fygee]

And yet there are many Christians who still cherry pick plenty of things out of the Old Testament to justify their equally archaic beliefs and behaviors, most notably Leviticus and t3h g4yz.

There's nothing more hilarious than seeing a Christian with tattoos quoting Leviticus in order to say hateful bullshit about gay people.

 

[mjmjr25]

After reading just so much (and I plan to read the whole thing), how can ANYONE be Christian and have the audacity to insult anyone else's beliefs? This makes Scientology look super tame in comparison. I was smiling reading this damn thing because the stories in this are just too absurd.

I sincerely hope you do (read the whole thing).

First; all man is flawed, so even a practicing Christian with a pure heart and true understanding of the Word will make mistakes and pass judgement. That doesn't excuse it, but explains it. We are all flawed.

However, I suspect your view of "Christian" is probably looking at some group like Westboro Baptist or some other hate-mongering politician who covers his personal bigotries under a misapplied guise of Christianity. I assure you, those people are not followed, or influenced, by actual practicing Christians. I don't dispute that there is a large chunk of hateful uneducated people use Christianity as a crutch and have no real understanding of the faith, but that doesn't in turn mean there aren't millions of people who do not do those things, who are intelligent (believe it or not), and who do have a relationship with Christ and His Father.

There is a song that speaks to this very well - it's called, "Jesus; Friend of Sinners". There is a large part of the populace who spews hate in the name of Christianity. Their behaviors are as disgusting to Christians as suicide bombers are to practicing Moslems. Lyrics are spoiled for anyone interested:

Spoiler:

Jesus Friend of sinners we have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to
swing
Jesus friend of sinners the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours

Jesus friend of sinners the one who's writing in the sand
Make the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of thieves
Let the memory of Your mercy bring your people to their knees

Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we
judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and love like
You did

Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good And Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus friend of sinners break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

 

[ResO]

I'd like Spike to get drunk, naked & yell at me.

 

[100proof]

I realize no one wants srs discussions in this thread - but I hope there is an understanding that the OLD Testament is the flaw of man; decisions of men - often against the instruction of God. The OLD Testament pulls no punches about what was, but it is not meant as a guidepost to live one's life. That occurs with the New Covenant. Any Christian will tell you the Old Testament is filled with evil and brutality and questionable instructions and horrible decisions...this has zero to do with Christianity or the teachings of Christ.

I also don't want to turn this in to a serious discussion (as these conversations rarely go anywhere and smug non-believers are far more irritating than earnest believers) but I think we both know that there is a large percentage of Christians throughout history and in to 21st century who spend a non-zero amount of time selectively using the Old Testament as a tool to bludgeon each other as well as those whose views, words and actions they disagree with. You can try to "no true scotsman" that away but the only people Jesus ever threw out of the temple were the money changers and there is no Christian creation myth(s), no ten commandments and no need for a messiah without the Hebrew Bible.

Pre-rabbinical Judaism, its scriptures and its culture are the backdrop in which Jesus's story unfolds. Along with Constantine and the mystery cults of ancient Rome, it's the reason Christianity exists and has thrived in to the modern era. Any attempt to distance Christianity from the Hebrew Bible is apologetics meant to dodge difficult to answer questions.

 

[SML]

..this has zero to do with Christianity or the teachings of Christ.

 

[mjmjr25]

I also don't want to turn this in to a serious discussion (as these conversations rarely go anywhere and smug non-believers are far more irritating than earnest believers) but I think we both know that there is a large percentage of Christians throughout history and in to 21st century who spend a non-zero amount of time selectively using the Old Testament as a tool to bludgeon each other as well as those whose views, words and actions they disagree with. You can try to "no true scotsman" that away but the only people Jesus ever threw out of the temple were the money changers and there is no Christian creation myth(s), no ten commandments and no need for a messiah without the Hebrew Bible.

Pre-rabbinical Judaism, its scriptures and its culture are the backdrop in which Jesus's story unfolds. Along with Constantine and the mystery cults of ancient Rome, it's the reason Christianity exists and has thrived in to the modern era. Any attempt to distance Christianity from the Hebrew Bible is apologetics meant to dodge difficult to answer questions.

I've read dozens of books on apologetics - i've never took anything i've read as distancing. Understanding / clarifying, yes, but not distancing. The most read / published reference on apologetics (Josh McDowell) in fact says quite the opposite; "The arc of the bible is God working out HIS salvation through creation in Genesis through to Revelation". In a me-first world, it's a hard pill to swallow - it isn't about us.

I agree with you wholeheartedly; the story and advancement of Christianity has often been VERY misapplied and I appreciate your candor (irritating voices on both sides).

The bible has been dissected by groups, individuals, churches and governments for hundreds of years and the same passage that tells one person to hate tells another to love and tells another it isn't there place and tells another something else. We should not look for what we think a passage means, or meant, or may have meant. We should look at how it applies to our lives and our actions. When people start harping on pornography, or homosexuality, or abortion or any other issue in that vein - my belief is that I think I know how the passages apply to my life and my actions; for others, it isn't my place to comment. I don't know how it applies to them, only myself and I also know that no man is judge. I also know there are things that i'm not meant to understand. That isn't head in the sand - that is appreciating that there is a Power greater and more capable than myself.

 

[DNSDies]

Devil's Advocate, but you probably shouldn't attempt to interpret a mis-translated 2000+ year old document unless you have some kind of historical context.

You don't even have the historical or cultural context of the time when it was translated poorly into greek.

We can't even read the second amendment of the United States Constitution without people getting hung up on the prose and meaning of the words in it, even without dozens of documents explaining in full depth the intended meaning of the prasing. (IE: Well Regulated Militia)

Don't try to understand the bible. It's a cautionary tale at best, and weird fiction at worst.

 

[StevenK]

For some reason I took it upon myself to read the bible when I was a kid. I thought genesis might have a slight sci fi slant to it but it didn't, and I was bored after the first 19 pages of begatting.

I did finish it though, but it didn't speak to me at all. To this day I don't like the inference that I need to be threatened into doing something nice for someone else.

 

[uiengineer]

Please summarize the whole thing in the same fashion. This was great. Religion is a fraud