Jokes

Mercedes · Dec 19, 2002

A man has 27 parts that won't work:

20 Nails that won't nail
2 tits that won't milk
1 belly button that won't button
2 balls that won't roll
1 cock that won't crow
and 1 ass that won't work

What the hell are you smiling about------------you've got a pussy that won't chase mice!

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Mercedes · Dec 19, 2002

A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whore-house. The madam says she has only one girl available, and she'll cost $1,000. Because he's desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room. When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.

"What the hell are you doing?" the hooker screams.

"For $1,000, you don't think I'm going to let you have the easy one, do you?" the sailor replies.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Shred · Dec 20, 2002

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him
in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but
for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water
and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

FeelGood · Dec 20, 2002

While going to school, a young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop. They use a word he's never heard before... So that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does SHIT mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "SALAD..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that SHIT is SALAD.

The next day, while going to school, this young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop again. They use a word he's never heard before... And so that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does BITCH mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "A BITCH is a ... REVEREND..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that a BITCH is a REVEREND.

The next day, while going to school, this young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop again. They use a word he's never heard before... And so that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does FUCKING mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "FUCKING is umm ... like ... PUTTING ON CLOTHES..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that FUCKING is the same as PUTTING ON CLOTHES.

A few weeks pass, and after school, the boy's mom tell him that they are having guests , and that she needs to get ready, so just direct the guests to the table and let them make themselves at home.

So after the mom goes upstairs, the doorbell rings, and the kid opens it to see the chuurch reverend, to which he lights up and says "Hi there, BITCH. The SHIT's on the table, and my mom and dad are upstairs FUCKING."

EVIL NICK · Dec 20, 2002

Originally posted by EvilWasabi:
While going to school, a young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop. They use a word he's never heard before... So that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does SHIT mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "SALAD..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that SHIT is SALAD.

The next day, while going to school, this young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop again. They use a word he's never heard before... And so that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does BITCH mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "A BITCH is a ... REVEREND..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that a BITCH is a REVEREND.

The next day, while going to school, this young kid hears the older kids talking at the bus stop again. They use a word he's never heard before... And so that day he comes home and asks his mom, "what does FUCKING mean?"

His mom, confused as to what to respond with, blurts out, "FUCKING is umm ... like ... PUTTING ON CLOTHES..."

So the kid, smiles and goes about his own business, thinking that FUCKING is the same as PUTTING ON CLOTHES.

A few weeks pass, and after school, the boy's mom tell him that they are having guests , and that she needs to get ready, so just direct the guests to the table and let them make themselves at home.

So after the mom goes upstairs, the doorbell rings, and the kid opens it to see the chuurch reverend, to which he lights up and says "Hi there, BITCH. The SHIT's on the table, and my mom and dad are upstairs FUCKING."<hr></blockquote>

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" />

You mean it really doesn't mean "Putting clothes on" ? <img src="graemlins/spock.gif" border="0" alt="[Spock]" />

Mercedes · Dec 21, 2002

You Might Be In The Medical Field If......

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

2. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.

3. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

4. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

5. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.

6. You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.

7. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

8. You believe CHOCOLATE is a food group.

9. You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."

10. When you are out on public and you compliment a complete stranger on their great veins.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Mercedes · Dec 21, 2002

A guy is sitting in a bar drooling over a hot woman in a miniskirt. He decides to send her a drink, and not only does she get up and sit next to him, but they also have an amazing conversation. Finally, the woman says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get $200 for what you think you're about to get for free."

"I have no problem with money," the man replies. "But since you were so straightforward, I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God!" the woman says. "How long does that last?"

"Until I get my $200 back," he replies.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

toy_brain · Dec 21, 2002

Bit sick this one - but I laughed at it......

Two women are knitting jumpers for their yet-to-be-born children.
The first woman says:

"I hope my child is a boy, I only had blue wool"

To which the second woman replies:

"I hope my child's a flid. I've fucked the arms up on this"

John · Dec 21, 2002

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are all pregnant, and they're discussing what they think they're going to have.

The redhead says, "I was on top, so I think my child will be a boy."

The brunette says, "I was on bottom, so mine should be a girl."

Suddenly, the blonde starts crying.

The other two ask her, "What's wrong?"

"I'm *sniff* having a puppy!"

<img src="graemlins/loco.gif" border="0" alt="[Loco]" />

EVIL NICK · Dec 21, 2002

Originally posted by John:
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are all pregnant, and they're discussing what they think they're going to have.

The redhead says, "I was on top, so I think my child will be a boy."

The brunette says, "I was on bottom, so mine should be a girl."

Suddenly, the blonde starts crying.

The other two ask her, "What's wrong?"

"I'm *sniff* having a puppy!"

<img src="graemlins/loco.gif" border="0" alt="[Loco]" /> <hr></blockquote>

<img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" /> <img src="graemlins/lol.gif" border="0" alt="[LOL]" />

ROTFLMAO!

That's just TOO funny!

I was literally ROTFLMAO...

Mercedes · Dec 22, 2002

You Might Be In the Medical Field IF....

11. You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Center".

12. You hate working nights with a full moon.

13. You don't think a referral to Dr. Kervorkian is inappropriate for this patient.

14. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE--Getting it right the first time!"

15. You have ever had to leave a patients' room before you began laughing uncontrollably.

16. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

17. You have ever restrained someone and it WAS NOT a sexual experience.

18. The most commonly uttered phrase after midnight is "What changed tonight, at 0200, that makes it an emergency after 6 months."

19. You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.

20. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Mercedes · Dec 22, 2002

Attention, children! If you are tired of being harassed by your Stupid Parents....ACT NOW....Move out, Get a job, Pay your own bills....while you still know everything.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Sonic1787DC · Dec 22, 2002

Originally posted by Mercedes:
Attention, children! If you are tired of being harassed by your Stupid Parents....ACT NOW....Move out, Get a job, Pay your own bills....while you still know everything.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <hr></blockquote>

that... that is what should be a true to life announcement...

Mercedes · Dec 22, 2002

A wall between heaven and hell fell down. Saint Peter called over to the devil. "Send over an engineer to get this wall back up."

Satan answered, "My men don't have time for that."

"If you don't, I'll sue you." Said Saint Peter.

Satan asked, "Where are you going to get a
lawyer?"

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Shred · Dec 23, 2002

12 politically correct days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter
festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, mono-
gamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made
up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union
as called for in their union contract even though they will
not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the
patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wet-
lands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule.
Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*

* Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally
Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please
substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with
suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

Mercedes · Dec 23, 2002

You Might Be In the Medical Field If...

21. When ordering lab, you want to order a "DUMB SHIT" profile.

22. When you mention vegetables, you aren't referring to a food group.

23. You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.

24. You have been exposed to so many x-rays that you say, "No, I don't worry about birth control---I've been irradiated."

25. Your patient says, "I have no idea how that got stuck up there."

26. You can identify the "positive teeth vs. tattoo" ratio.

27. You have your weekends off marked and planned for a year.

28. You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA just so you don't have to deal with him anymore.

29. You use your status to get out of speeding tickets.

30. You use the word GOMER in a sentence more than once a night.

31. You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

32. You threaten to use 'the hose' if your patients won't give you an urine sample.

33. After someone tells you how many drinks he has had, your question is....."and how big were these drinks?"

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Mercedes · Dec 23, 2002

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire. The youngest cowboy says, "Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands."

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, "That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."

The oldest cowboy just sits there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

MegaDrive20XX · Dec 24, 2002

Originally posted by Mercedes:
A guy is sitting in a bar drooling over a hot woman in a miniskirt. He decides to send her a drink, and not only does she get up and sit next to him, but they also have an amazing conversation. Finally, the woman says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get $200 for what you think you're about to get for free."

"I have no problem with money," the man replies. "But since you were so straightforward, I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God!" the woman says. "How long does that last?"

"Until I get my $200 back," he replies.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <hr></blockquote>

LOL

Man that's priceless! 150% Barbarian with the Wench who thinks she is clever. I LOVE IT!

Mercedes · Dec 24, 2002

Merry Christmas! From Santa

You think you got it bad?
All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off because I got in too late.

And That Isn't All.....

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I paid them double time.
I was so sick of cookies and milk I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.
My prostate was giving me hell, I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to my seat.
I was allergic to pine needles and I itched all over.
I thought my hemorrhoids were back.
HO! HO! HO!
Merry Christmas, your ass.

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Mercedes · Dec 24, 2002

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.
"How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

<img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" /> <img src="graemlins/glee.gif" border="0" alt="[Glee]" />

Muska · Dec 24, 2002

Here is a short a stupid but funny joke.

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard (sorry all you Def Leppard fans)

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