God is a dick, reason #3,087: Lust

ki_atsushi · Jun 1, 2011

Abasuto said:
Since all sins can be forgiven though, I don't really see the point of them.

I could create a bio-weapon virus that killed every single human on this planet. I was the last human alive. I become born-again and ask for forgiveness, I'd be getting into heaven. Despite the fact humans no longer exist due to me, thus, I'd be last person to ever enter heaven.

This is true, but you'd have to mean it in your heart. If you knew what you were doing when you killed everyone off and just planned to beg for forgiveness to make things right, it would fall on deaf ears.

Takumaji · Jun 1, 2011

neobuyer said:
All of this tricky 'sense talk' you're spouting is just another attempt to obfuscate the situation. Why do you seek to interfere with the will of the creator? You know, serving the devil may bring a man some very temporary, earthly power- but it's just the blink of a fool's eye in the face of the eternal nature of your soul. This is just another Germanic lie, go back to stuffing sausages and making cough drops you sacreligious kraut.

Hey remote-controlled bible thumper, what if the creator wants my sacrilegious soul to spout this sense talk?

And what's with that serving-the-devil babble? I'm not really serving him, we're just friends (his name is Larry, btw). He also told me that this what you church freaks call rapture was scheduled to take place on 9 November 2003, ole' Jesus came down and was about to effect his first miracle when he was captured and sent to Guantanamo because he looked like an Arab. This made Larry laugh his red ass off, I tell ya.

So don't come with that sacrilege stuff, you guys wouldn't recognize your redeemer even if he'd stand on your toes.

"Like a thief in the night" and all that jazz, eh.

SNKorSWM · Jun 1, 2011

alec said:
I'm sure plenty of people died on that day just like any other day on earth. A number of them good Christians I'd suspect. I bet god parties off da hook!

I've always wondered if any of them offed themselves on or just before that day in order to jump the line in front of the pearly gates.

Dr Shroom · Jun 1, 2011

Islam is the only true religion you fucking infidels.

StickmanLoser said:
Why does God let bad threads happen?

Because he's the jock and we're the geeks.

Yodd · Jun 1, 2011

Doctor Shroom said:
Islam is the only true religion you fucking infidels.

Sorry, I can't fly a plane.

cannonball · Jun 1, 2011

broken said:
Sorry, I can't fly a plane.

oh snap

Segata_Sanshiro · Jun 1, 2011

I wonder if there are any up-and-coming religions that I could join that will become huge in a few years.

A modern equivalent of scientology in the sixties, if you will.

Marek · Jun 1, 2011

This is a great thread

Dr Shroom · Jun 1, 2011

Segata_Sanshiro said:
I wonder if there are any up-and-coming religions that I could join that will become huge in a few years.

A modern equivalent of scientology in the sixties, if you will.

Ponyisim.
Its a sect based on a cartoon for little girls.
Members are called "bronies"
Watch yo ass.

SNKorSWM · Jun 2, 2011

Abasuto said:
Since all sins can be forgiven though, I don't really see the point of them.

I could create a bio-weapon virus that killed every single human on this planet. I was the last human alive. I become born-again and ask for forgiveness, I'd be getting into heaven. Despite the fact humans no longer exist due to me, thus, I'd be last person to ever enter heaven.

Only because you're the last in line...literally.

EVIL NICK · Jun 3, 2011

Takumaji said:
All the things that have been attributed to god in the past 2000 years were written by us "mortals" so who cares. The thought of an eternal, all-encompassing, all-knowing entity that creates whole new universes on one day and chastizes a man for looking at a woman the wrong way on another is laughable at best.

Haha, well put.

Made my day.

neobuyer · Jun 3, 2011

Sex Lord Ki_atsushi said:
Durr hurr... the word adultery implies that the person is not married to that woman.

Oh I'm sure that's what you want to think, but real Christians who are like, all bad ass in the eyes of Christ and shit, know that the only real Christian love is AGAPE- that is Greek for a totally selfless love. Which is what Christ had for all of the people on earth who actually get to hear about his word and then turn themselves over to him in a state of complete and utter servitude for all of eternity. It is because of this unique selfless love that Christ sacrificed the rest of his temporary, earthly life (which averaged around 25-30 in his era- and he was, y'know- 33) and endured those terrible several days of torture- so that we could be spared the inevitability of our hell-bound fate- which is pre-determined from birth without Christ's direct intervention.

So like Takumaji, everyone can take their capacity for reason and logic- which is the only ability God gave us to understand the world and develop an even stone age society- and park it up you know where. Are you people prepared for an eternity in hell?

Yodd · Jun 3, 2011

neobuyer said:
Which is what Christ had for all of the people on earth who actually get to hear about his word and then turn themselves over to him in a state of complete and utter servitude for all of eternity.

Sounds a lot like slavery.

Oh wait, thats exactly what religion is. It wants you to give up your free will in order to serve under some imaginary all powerful figure (which might as well be a leprechaun riding on a unicorn) while at the same time keeping the Church financially wealthy.

Sucker is born every minute indeed.

zapatistab · Jun 3, 2011

Segata_Sanshiro said:
So even if you're married and getting horny thinking about your husband/wife, you're committing a sin

That is incorrect...it applies to lusting over another woman other than your wife...read the surrounding scriptures to make sense of it.

Jedah Doma · Jun 3, 2011

zapatistab said:
That is incorrect...it applies to lusting over another woman other than your wife...read the surrounding scriptures to make sense of it.

Shhh, just let them read things out of context. Don't take away the only joy they have: being jaded twats.

Takumaji · Jun 3, 2011

neobuyer said:
Are you people prepared for an eternity in hell?

There I was and kept on singing "People Get Ready" and finally took the train to Jordan but it got stopped in the Gaza strip (damn Israelis, I tell ya).

So no heaven for me I fear.

I'm not really scared, though, because Larry gave me a map.

neobuyer · Jun 3, 2011

Jedah Doma said:
Shhh, just let them read things out of context. Don't take away the only joy they have: being jaded twats.

Shhh, just let them believe in the supernatural to explain and regulate the aspects of people's lives and society itself. Don't take away the 'answers' it gives them: being programmed-in-childhood dumbasses.

Shhh, let's just let them do their thing and be happy in ignorance....

Segata_Sanshiro · Jun 3, 2011

Jedah Doma said:
Shhh, just let them read things out of context. Don't take away the only joy they have: being jaded twats.

The Bible also says you can sell your daughter into slavery

Let's legislate that shit y'all. America is a Christian nation

LoneSage · Jun 3, 2011

Sex Lord Ki_atsushi said:
This is true, but you'd have to mean it in your heart. If you knew what you were doing when you killed everyone off and just planned to beg for forgiveness to make things right, it would fall on deaf ears.

Some dude that was friends with Jerry Falwell told me that as long as you accept Christ as your savior, everything's a-OK.

Poonman · Jun 3, 2011

Finally found a link to a tract I found in college way back in 1998.

It should set the record straight for you godless (and even morally upright?) sinners. Hopefully I get through to you before Jesus sends you to hell.

Fucking lmao...God has nothing to do with our time on earth, he's only there at the end.

He's like an estranged father who shows up on your 19th birthday to either pay your way through college or rape you to death and dump your body in a ditch.
All based on some words and thoughts you may or may not have said in the time leading up to that point.

Poonman · Jun 3, 2011

And I'll leave this here just in case you're wondering which one is the best.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0013/0013_01.asp

Yodd · Jun 3, 2011

Spoon said:
Finally found a link to a tract I found in college way back in 1998.

Spoon said:
And I'll leave this here just in case you're wondering which one is the best.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0013/0013_01.asp

LOL what a load of BULLSHIT. You fucking idiot Christians can't honestly believe any of this horseshit, can you?

I don't blame the Church for taking advantage of you morons. This is a racket I need to get in on. Organized crime ain't going nothing on the Church.

:lolz:

SML · Jun 3, 2011

Spoon said:
And I'll leave this here just in case you're wondering which one is the best.

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0013/0013_01.asp

The best Jack Chick tracts are the anti-Catholic ones. You dig around a little on his site and you'll learn about how the Freemasons are actually a Catholic front group, etc.

Poonman · Jun 3, 2011

StickmanLoser said:
The best Jack Chick tracts are the anti-Catholic ones. You dig around a little on his site and you'll learn about how the Freemasons are actually a Catholic front group, etc.

His love-hate affair with the Jews is pretty rad as well.

I think my favorite is the one where the black guy makes a deal with an african american pimp version of satan who gives him ungodly basketball skillz in exchange for his soul or summat. That one actually put a smile on my face.....the rest of them have me yelling "OH FUCK OFF, YOU SICK FUCKING MORON!" in my mind when I read them".

Actually, "Flight 144" was the first and only tract I've ever physically found in the wild.
And it made damn sure that I would NEVER, EVER become a religious man.... barring a miraculous appearance of some giant, diaphenous being here on earth who calls himself GOD, I'll always assume religion is bullshit that some manipulative asshole made up.

Poonman · Jun 3, 2011

I also like that part of the bible where Lot offered his virgin daughters to sate a mob of horny old sodomites and keep them away from the two gorgeous man-angels who had visited him.

As if rape and defloration of 2 young daughters is WAAAAY more acceptable than homo shenannigans between strangers hahaha.

And this is the same Lot who got drunk and boned his 2 daughters in a cave after the destruction of Sodom right?

Awwwwwww, Sheeeit.....life is good

And the bible says it's okay since they were "preserving their bloodline". Sounds like a sweet loophole if I've ever read one.

If I was Mel Gibson, I would have made a movie about this instead.

And I would call it.........

...........................

Wait for it......................

...............

PASSION RELOADED: LOT OF LOVE TO GO AROUND

God is a dick, reason #3,087: Lust

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