So, my mom's about to die shortly...

Spike Spiegel · Jan 25, 2011

I'll just do some typing...

I'm 33 years old. My mom hasn't really been there for me a great deal of my life. She was a woman that was always more concerned about drugs, alcohol and sex than me as I was a child. I loved her very much until I was about in 4th grade or so. Then I moved in with my Grandparents. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There were times growing up that I wanted to be with her, but she was doing other things. I remember one day when I was in 2nd grade coming home from school, and my mom (single mom, no clue who my dad is) wasn't home. So I waited. I waited and waited in a shitty neighborhood for her to come home. I hurt myself, playing on a pipe coming out of the ground in the yard, and walked back to school crying. I think that's the day I just said "fuck it" to her. I kept trying, but after so many years of disappointment, I gave up giving a shit.

My mom's wild lifestyle has her dying any day now, as she's rotting away in a nursing home at the ripe age of 51. I've never wanted her in my life now that I'm an adult. I know that makes me an awful person, but she just didn't give a fuck about me. Now that she's almost dead, I'm not super sad.

Today I was there, watching her just looking pathetic, and thought "love her or not, this is a human being that's near the end." It's really sad, no matter who it may be. I can't look at her and think of my mom, but I still look and I see just how sad and pathetic her life ended, and I feel awful for her. Not many people come to see her except her brothers and sisters. No friends. No well wishers. She even had four other children that don't see her. It's fucking pathetic.

I know when I'm at the funeral, people will come to me and offer their sympathies. I won't cry, and I will be appearing to take it very well. All I can think about is how awful a person I am for feeling this way. But, I just can't help it. Sure, I give her a song and dance now that she's at the end. I tell her I love her, I tell her everything's going to be okay, but deep down, I hope to never be in her position. She's a human being, and no matter what, what she's enduring is scary and awful.

Poonman · Jan 25, 2011

=/

Your indifference is something I can relate to.
So much anger, sorrow and dejection in my life, but I'm totally spent.
I hardly get angry, sad or fearful about anything anymore.

You're a hell of a guy and a good parent though.
Take care of what matters most to you.

starscream615 · Jan 25, 2011

You're not awful for feeling this way. At least you have probably used her bad experiences to not make the same mistakes in your life. If you have, then maybe it's cool to actually be thankful she made them for you, with such visibility, so that you ended up smarter in the process. In the end, she may have been doing you a favor making all those mistakes. I guess that would be a more positive way of looking at it?

Ghost-Dog · Jan 25, 2011

Damn, sorry to hear that man.

It's sad that she wasn't there for you, but you're doing the right thing as a son.

I wish you both the best of luck.

ratson · Jan 25, 2011

My youth wasn't pretty either and all I can say that reading this is that you have every right to feel the way you do.
I hated my dad for most of his life. He was a hardcore alcoholic.
You are definitely oke in my book, Steve.
Take care.

SPINMASTER X · Jan 25, 2011

This is just something I can't relate to. I feel sorry for everyone who had to go through something like this.

genjiglove · Jan 25, 2011

I was just watching a George Carlin standup show last night in which he talked about how "Honor Thy Father and Mother" was bullshit. Respect has to be earned, not just given for nothing.

If you felt absolutely no empathy for her when you saw her laying there, that would be one thing. But it doesn't sound like you are in the wrong to me.

Neo Ash · Jan 25, 2011

I'm sorry to hear this.

We're here for you when you need to talk. Don't be to hard on yourself.

I recently lost a family member that was very near to me.

Loopz · Jan 25, 2011

I'm very sorry to hear this, Spike. Whether you were close to her or not, it's a large event in your life that's bound to provoke a lot of thought about what you're doing with your life. I know you're a devoted parent, and you're hellbent on giving your son what you may have missed out on. Let your love for him be the legacy of this rift, and not something negative that you couldn't have fixed anyway. Be well.

Fox1 · Jan 25, 2011

When I was growing up I knew a few people that went through something similar. The only thing I can say is sorry to hear that.

norton9478 · Jan 25, 2011

Since spike doesn't seem to care that much, I'll avoid the usual sympathies......

But I know what you are going through.... My Girlfriend's mom is a few flaws short of Monique's character In Precious, but she has many of the same qualities.

Why my girl gives a fuck about her mom is beyond me.... After years of name calling, being forced to sleep on a floor with no pillow, psychological abuse and ignoring sexual abuse... I'd never speak to her ever.

Especially since she gives us a hard time about how we apportion her daughters' Social Security benefits. But when the Judge forced her and and her dementia ailed husband to pay us $50 a month in support, she threw a fit. She even told the judge and the court how much she hates her.

Fuck her...

SML · Jan 25, 2011

Strangely enough I think this is the most human and relatable post I've ever seen from you. I mean that in a good way. Take care of yourself, and as Loopz said, make this into something positive. When life hands you shit, spread it on your flowers.

CrackerMessiah · Jan 25, 2011

StickmanLoser said:
Strangely enough I think this is the most human and relatable post I've ever seen from you. I mean that in a good way. Take care of yourself, and as Loopz said, make this into something positive. When life hands you shit, spread it on your flowers.

I'm not a "Spike student" myself, but this was my impression too. 'Human.' Not necessarily personally relatable, but human just the same.

There's a lot of valid grief you've experienced through her neglect, but you're able to distinguish that from the human at the hospital. Given the circumstances, I don't think there's much else that anyone could ask of you. And while I can't recommend any course of action or thought, I can at least recognize that you're actively seeking some reconciliation. That willingness alone is why you shouldn't feel like you're a bad person.

Sometimes we all type a little...

NeoSneth · Jan 25, 2011

lost my dad 3 months ago after a long battle with cancer.

i can say I had exactly the opposite reaction that you are describing. In some wierd way, consider yourself lucky. Every day is shitty in my world, at least you'll have some comfort.

wataru330 · Jan 25, 2011

@ Sneth: my heart goes out to you. I never understood what cancer really was until recently.

@ Spike. You are a good son, and a man of honor. It is not easy to walk thus road you are on; I speak from personal experience w/ my bio-dad. I've seen 1st hand, people in my own family cut & run in a position similar to yours.

I'm rooting for you both.

SonGohan · Jan 25, 2011

How are you explaining this to your son? Or is he oblivious that she even exists (which I wouldn't blame you, if he is)? Will you take your son to the funeral? This is a pretty odd situation..

OrochiEddie · Jan 25, 2011

Spike I'll say that family is what you define it as yourself. I don't believe in the literal family (genetics and all). Family is those who are close to you and emotionally move you. Family are those that make you cry endlessly for your loss. It is a huge conflict of your thoughts and society to be indifferent about your mother, but honestly if she wasn't there she wouldn't what I'd call "family".

My mother falls into a similar camp (not as severe, but she got pretty bad in my late teens, when I really needed a role model and some support) and I can see the same thing happening.

I don't know if you are seeking someone to talk to, but I'd suggest seeing a therapist for a few sessions to get your thoughts straight on the matter.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Spike Spiegel · Jan 25, 2011

Thanks for the words of understanding, all. I like what was said about "this will make you not make the same mistakes." You can say that again, as I give as much love and attention to my son as I can (got another one on the way!). I wouldn't want him to be raised like I was, and wouldn't think about it so hard if it wasn't for my situation, so that's a plus.

Soilwork said:
How are you explaining this to your son? Or is he oblivious that she even exists (which I wouldn't blame you, if he is)? Will you take your son to the funeral? This is a pretty odd situation..

Well, he knows about her. We don't see her a fraction as often as my wife's side of the family. I simply told him that she's dying, and she will be going to heaven with his old dog, soon. I don't think he quite gets it. I told him she was very sick, to which he replied "then she should see a doctor!", but I told him that she was the type of sick that doesn't get better, and that she was excited to go. Honestly, a year ago when she found out, she seemed fine with it. Now, in the last days, she's very scared about it (and, when we're all there, won't we all?).

galfordo · Jan 25, 2011

giving birth to a child does not make you a mother

don't beat yourself up about this Spike, it was her choice

LoneSage · Jan 25, 2011

Show her Above Average Man.

It could either cure her or make her go faster.

but seriously;
if she's still cognizant, and if I were you, I'd be asking her a lot of questions right about now...

galfordo · Jan 25, 2011

LoneSage said:
Show her Above Average Man.

It could either cure her or make her go faster.

but seriously;
if she's still cognizant, and if I were you, I'd be asking her a lot of questions right about now...

fuck that, she had her chance

move on, nothing to see, no good will come of that

LoneSage · Jan 25, 2011

Yeah, she did. But I'm a sensitive retard at heart, and I'd ask her why she didn't care about me and probably start crying and shit. I understand completely why spike wouldn't wanna do it, tho

BIG BEAR · Jan 25, 2011

She didn't have the abortion and she placed you in the loving care of your grand parents so that's stating something positive for her character.
Your moral support is absolutely the right thing to do.
BB

Hewitson · Jan 25, 2011

galfordo said:
fuck that, she had her chance

move on, nothing to see, no good will come of that

Everyone makes mistakes.

Phyeir · Jan 25, 2011

Spike Spiegel said:
I'll just do some typing...

I'm 33 years old. My mom hasn't really been there for me a great deal of my life. She was a woman that was always more concerned about drugs, alcohol and sex than me as I was a child. I loved her very much until I was about in 4th grade or so. Then I moved in with my Grandparents. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There were times growing up that I wanted to be with her, but she was doing other things. I remember one day when I was in 2nd grade coming home from school, and my mom (single mom, no clue who my dad is) wasn't home. So I waited. I waited and waited in a shitty neighborhood for her to come home. I hurt myself, playing on a pipe coming out of the ground in the yard, and walked back to school crying. I think that's the day I just said "fuck it" to her. I kept trying, but after so many years of disappointment, I gave up giving a shit.

My mom's wild lifestyle has her dying any day now, as she's rotting away in a nursing home at the ripe age of 51. I've never wanted her in my life now that I'm an adult. I know that makes me an awful person, but she just didn't give a fuck about me. Now that she's almost dead, I'm not super sad.

Today I was there, watching her just looking pathetic, and thought "love her or not, this is a human being that's near the end." It's really sad, no matter who it may be. I can't look at her and think of my mom, but I still look and I see just how sad and pathetic her life ended, and I feel awful for her. Not many people come to see her except her brothers and sisters. No friends. No well wishers. She even had four other children that don't see her. It's fucking pathetic.

I know when I'm at the funeral, people will come to me and offer their sympathies. I won't cry, and I will be appearing to take it very well. All I can think about is how awful a person I am for feeling this way. But, I just can't help it. Sure, I give her a song and dance now that she's at the end. I tell her I love her, I tell her everything's going to be okay, but deep down, I hope to never be in her position. She's a human being, and no matter what, what she's enduring is scary and awful.

You have nothing to feel bad about Spike. The problem with family, no matter what the relationship is, you don't get to choose who they are and they can very well be pretty shitty people. Never dealt with a mother that did what yours did but mine has always been not always there and never really does anything to fix it and just burdens everyone else around her. At about high school age, I was at full blown resentment and even today, as my friend stated, when I speak to her my voice becomes full of venom.

Do what you feel you need to do, but just don't go beating yourself up.

So, my mom's about to die shortly...

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