So, my mom's about to die shortly...

I'll just do some typing...

I'm 33 years old. My mom hasn't really been there for me a great deal of my life. She was a woman that was always more concerned about drugs, alcohol and sex than me as I was a child. I loved her very much until I was about in 4th grade or so. Then I moved in with my Grandparents. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There were times growing up that I wanted to be with her, but she was doing other things. I remember one day when I was in 2nd grade coming home from school, and my mom (single mom, no clue who my dad is) wasn't home. So I waited. I waited and waited in a shitty neighborhood for her to come home. I hurt myself, playing on a pipe coming out of the ground in the yard, and walked back to school crying. I think that's the day I just said "fuck it" to her. I kept trying, but after so many years of disappointment, I gave up giving a shit.

My mom's wild lifestyle has her dying any day now, as she's rotting away in a nursing home at the ripe age of 51. I've never wanted her in my life now that I'm an adult. I know that makes me an awful person, but she just didn't give a fuck about me. Now that she's almost dead, I'm not super sad.

Today I was there, watching her just looking pathetic, and thought "love her or not, this is a human being that's near the end." It's really sad, no matter who it may be. I can't look at her and think of my mom, but I still look and I see just how sad and pathetic her life ended, and I feel awful for her. Not many people come to see her except her brothers and sisters. No friends. No well wishers. She even had four other children that don't see her. It's fucking pathetic.

I know when I'm at the funeral, people will come to me and offer their sympathies. I won't cry, and I will be appearing to take it very well. All I can think about is how awful a person I am for feeling this way. But, I just can't help it. Sure, I give her a song and dance now that she's at the end. I tell her I love her, I tell her everything's going to be okay, but deep down, I hope to never be in her position. She's a human being, and no matter what, what she's enduring is scary and awful.

=/

Your indifference is something I can relate to.
So much anger, sorrow and dejection in my life, but I'm totally spent.
I hardly get angry, sad or fearful about anything anymore.


You're a hell of a guy and a good parent though.
Take care of what matters most to you.

:)

You're not awful for feeling this way. At least you have probably used her bad experiences to not make the same mistakes in your life. If you have, then maybe it's cool to actually be thankful she made them for you, with such visibility, so that you ended up smarter in the process. In the end, she may have been doing you a favor making all those mistakes. I guess that would be a more positive way of looking at it?

Damn, sorry to hear that man.

It's sad that she wasn't there for you, but you're doing the right thing as a son.

I wish you both the best of luck.

My youth wasn't pretty either and all I can say that reading this is that you have every right to feel the way you do.
I hated my dad for most of his life. He was a hardcore alcoholic.
You are definitely oke in my book, Steve.
Take care.

This is just something I can't relate to. I feel sorry for everyone who had to go through something like this.

I was just watching a George Carlin standup show last night in which he talked about how "Honor Thy Father and Mother" was bullshit. Respect has to be earned, not just given for nothing.

If you felt absolutely no empathy for her when you saw her laying there, that would be one thing. But it doesn't sound like you are in the wrong to me.

I'm sorry to hear this.

We're here for you when you need to talk. Don't be to hard on yourself.

I recently lost a family member that was very near to me.

I'm very sorry to hear this, Spike. Whether you were close to her or not, it's a large event in your life that's bound to provoke a lot of thought about what you're doing with your life. I know you're a devoted parent, and you're hellbent on giving your son what you may have missed out on. Let your love for him be the legacy of this rift, and not something negative that you couldn't have fixed anyway. Be well.

When I was growing up I knew a few people that went through something similar. The only thing I can say is sorry to hear that.

Since spike doesn't seem to care that much, I'll avoid the usual sympathies......

But I know what you are going through.... My Girlfriend's mom is a few flaws short of Monique's character In Precious, but she has many of the same qualities.

Why my girl gives a fuck about her mom is beyond me.... After years of name calling, being forced to sleep on a floor with no pillow, psychological abuse and ignoring sexual abuse... I'd never speak to her ever.

Especially since she gives us a hard time about how we apportion her daughters' Social Security benefits. But when the Judge forced her and and her dementia ailed husband to pay us $50 a month in support, she threw a fit. She even told the judge and the court how much she hates her.

Fuck her...

Strangely enough I think this is the most human and relatable post I've ever seen from you. I mean that in a good way. Take care of yourself, and as Loopz said, make this into something positive. When life hands you shit, spread it on your flowers.

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Originally Posted by StickmanLoser

Strangely enough I think this is the most human and relatable post I've ever seen from you. I mean that in a good way. Take care of yourself, and as Loopz said, make this into something positive. When life hands you shit, spread it on your flowers.

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I'm not a "Spike student" myself, but this was my impression too. 'Human.' Not necessarily personally relatable, but human just the same.

There's a lot of valid grief you've experienced through her neglect, but you're able to distinguish that from the human at the hospital. Given the circumstances, I don't think there's much else that anyone could ask of you. And while I can't recommend any course of action or thought, I can at least recognize that you're actively seeking some reconciliation. That willingness alone is why you shouldn't feel like you're a bad person.

Sometimes we all type a little...

lost my dad 3 months ago after a long battle with cancer.

i can say I had exactly the opposite reaction that you are describing. In some wierd way, consider yourself lucky. Every day is shitty in my world, at least you'll have some comfort.

@ Sneth: my heart goes out to you. I never understood what cancer really was until recently.

@ Spike. You are a good son, and a man of honor. It is not easy to walk thus road you are on; I speak from personal experience w/ my bio-dad. I've seen 1st hand, people in my own family cut & run in a position similar to yours.

I'm rooting for you both.

How are you explaining this to your son? Or is he oblivious that she even exists (which I wouldn't blame you, if he is)? Will you take your son to the funeral? This is a pretty odd situation..

Spike I'll say that family is what you define it as yourself. I don't believe in the literal family (genetics and all). Family is those who are close to you and emotionally move you. Family are those that make you cry endlessly for your loss. It is a huge conflict of your thoughts and society to be indifferent about your mother, but honestly if she wasn't there she wouldn't what I'd call "family".

My mother falls into a similar camp (not as severe, but she got pretty bad in my late teens, when I really needed a role model and some support) and I can see the same thing happening.

I don't know if you are seeking someone to talk to, but I'd suggest seeing a therapist for a few sessions to get your thoughts straight on the matter.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for the words of understanding, all. I like what was said about "this will make you not make the same mistakes." You can say that again, as I give as much love and attention to my son as I can (got another one on the way!). I wouldn't want him to be raised like I was, and wouldn't think about it so hard if it wasn't for my situation, so that's a plus.

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Originally Posted by Soilwork

How are you explaining this to your son? Or is he oblivious that she even exists (which I wouldn't blame you, if he is)? Will you take your son to the funeral? This is a pretty odd situation..

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Well, he knows about her. We don't see her a fraction as often as my wife's side of the family. I simply told him that she's dying, and she will be going to heaven with his old dog, soon. I don't think he quite gets it. I told him she was very sick, to which he replied "then she should see a doctor!", but I told him that she was the type of sick that doesn't get better, and that she was excited to go. Honestly, a year ago when she found out, she seemed fine with it. Now, in the last days, she's very scared about it (and, when we're all there, won't we all?).

giving birth to a child does not make you a mother

don't beat yourself up about this Spike, it was her choice

Show her Above Average Man.

It could either cure her or make her go faster.


but seriously;
if she's still cognizant, and if I were you, I'd be asking her a lot of questions right about now...

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Originally Posted by LoneSage

Show her Above Average Man.

It could either cure her or make her go faster.


but seriously;
if she's still cognizant, and if I were you, I'd be asking her a lot of questions right about now...

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fuck that, she had her chance

move on, nothing to see, no good will come of that

Yeah, she did. But I'm a sensitive retard at heart, and I'd ask her why she didn't care about me and probably start crying and shit. I understand completely why spike wouldn't wanna do it, tho

She didn't have the abortion and she placed you in the loving care of your grand parents so that's stating something positive for her character.
Your moral support is absolutely the right thing to do.
BB

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Originally Posted by galfordo

fuck that, she had her chance

move on, nothing to see, no good will come of that

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Everyone makes mistakes.

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

I'll just do some typing...

I'm 33 years old. My mom hasn't really been there for me a great deal of my life. She was a woman that was always more concerned about drugs, alcohol and sex than me as I was a child. I loved her very much until I was about in 4th grade or so. Then I moved in with my Grandparents. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There were times growing up that I wanted to be with her, but she was doing other things. I remember one day when I was in 2nd grade coming home from school, and my mom (single mom, no clue who my dad is) wasn't home. So I waited. I waited and waited in a shitty neighborhood for her to come home. I hurt myself, playing on a pipe coming out of the ground in the yard, and walked back to school crying. I think that's the day I just said "fuck it" to her. I kept trying, but after so many years of disappointment, I gave up giving a shit.

My mom's wild lifestyle has her dying any day now, as she's rotting away in a nursing home at the ripe age of 51. I've never wanted her in my life now that I'm an adult. I know that makes me an awful person, but she just didn't give a fuck about me. Now that she's almost dead, I'm not super sad.

Today I was there, watching her just looking pathetic, and thought "love her or not, this is a human being that's near the end." It's really sad, no matter who it may be. I can't look at her and think of my mom, but I still look and I see just how sad and pathetic her life ended, and I feel awful for her. Not many people come to see her except her brothers and sisters. No friends. No well wishers. She even had four other children that don't see her. It's fucking pathetic.

I know when I'm at the funeral, people will come to me and offer their sympathies. I won't cry, and I will be appearing to take it very well. All I can think about is how awful a person I am for feeling this way. But, I just can't help it. Sure, I give her a song and dance now that she's at the end. I tell her I love her, I tell her everything's going to be okay, but deep down, I hope to never be in her position. She's a human being, and no matter what, what she's enduring is scary and awful.

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You have nothing to feel bad about Spike. The problem with family, no matter what the relationship is, you don't get to choose who they are and they can very well be pretty shitty people. Never dealt with a mother that did what yours did but mine has always been not always there and never really does anything to fix it and just burdens everyone else around her. At about high school age, I was at full blown resentment and even today, as my friend stated, when I speak to her my voice becomes full of venom.

Do what you feel you need to do, but just don't go beating yourself up.

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Originally Posted by Ghost-Dog 2000

Damn, sorry to hear that man.

It's sad that she wasn't there for you, but you're doing the right thing as a son.

I wish you both the best of luck.

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This captures my sentiment, I don't have much to add to this --though perhaps I feel a little less empathy towards her plight: more a perfunctory wish that a person not die. I am a little curious as to what finally caused her health to fail at such a ripe old age.

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Originally Posted by Hewitson

Everyone makes mistakes.

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And some of those mistakes might be so bad that they can't be forgiven.
Trust me on this cause i know what I am talking about. I endured and caused it myself, not pretty and I don't blame some people of my past will never be able to forgive what I have done. My dad died at age 54 and although I talked to him a little and was at peace about what happened in the past by now, I told him I had forgiven him but I never completely did. Too much has happened for that and imo Spikes situation was worse than mine.

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Originally Posted by Bobak

This captures my sentiment, I don't have much to add to this --though perhaps I feel a little less empathy towards her plight: more a perfunctory wish that a person not die. I am a little curious as to what finally caused her health to fail at such a ripe old age.

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She has liver failure from the drugs and alcohol combined with the catalyst of hepatitis in her system. Not a good combo.

Everything happens for a reason. Sorry to hear you had such a tough childhood though. Like Spinmaster, I can't relate to that. However, my ex recently lost her mom at a young age too, and my ex really hated her mom for years and years. The fragileness of life is something that makes you look at life differently. They were able to bury the hatchet before her mom went.

I don't know what else to say except I'll say a prayer for your mom, you and your family before bed tonight. Take care Spike.

My best regards to you Spike.

It is unfortunate that it turned out like that.

im really sorry to hear it mate, again im one of the lucky ones and cant relate to what you went trough. i bet your mom regrets not looking after you though.

best wishes.

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

I'll just do some typing...

I'm 33 years old. My mom hasn't really been there for me a great deal of my life. She was a woman that was always more concerned about drugs, alcohol and sex than me as I was a child. I loved her very much until I was about in 4th grade or so. Then I moved in with my Grandparents. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There were times growing up that I wanted to be with her, but she was doing other things. I remember one day when I was in 2nd grade coming home from school, and my mom (single mom, no clue who my dad is) wasn't home. So I waited. I waited and waited in a shitty neighborhood for her to come home. I hurt myself, playing on a pipe coming out of the ground in the yard, and walked back to school crying. I think that's the day I just said "fuck it" to her. I kept trying, but after so many years of disappointment, I gave up giving a shit.

My mom's wild lifestyle has her dying any day now, as she's rotting away in a nursing home at the ripe age of 51. I've never wanted her in my life now that I'm an adult. I know that makes me an awful person, but she just didn't give a fuck about me. Now that she's almost dead, I'm not super sad.

Today I was there, watching her just looking pathetic, and thought "love her or not, this is a human being that's near the end." It's really sad, no matter who it may be. I can't look at her and think of my mom, but I still look and I see just how sad and pathetic her life ended, and I feel awful for her. Not many people come to see her except her brothers and sisters. No friends. No well wishers. She even had four other children that don't see her. It's fucking pathetic.

I know when I'm at the funeral, people will come to me and offer their sympathies. I won't cry, and I will be appearing to take it very well. All I can think about is how awful a person I am for feeling this way. But, I just can't help it. Sure, I give her a song and dance now that she's at the end. I tell her I love her, I tell her everything's going to be okay, but deep down, I hope to never be in her position. She's a human being, and no matter what, what she's enduring is scary and awful.

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well, I'll be...

Sorry to hear about this. Great write-up man, I was wondering about the backstory from the FB post.

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Originally Posted by ratson

And some of those mistakes might be so bad that they can't be forgiven.
Trust me on this cause i know what I am talking about. I endured and caused it myself, not pretty and I don't blame some people of my past will never be able to forgive what I have done. My dad died at age 54 and although I talked to him a little and was at peace about what happened in the past by now, I told him I had forgiven him but I never completely did. Too much has happened for that and imo Spikes situation was worse than mine.

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I feel you man. My father was also an hardcore alcoholic and got involved in some terrible stuff including death of other people. He died at 39 from what I suppose to be complication from injuries he had for a year, he got stabbed 7 times and was proud of it. There's stuff that can't be forgiven, killing people including his pregnant wife is without a doubt one of them. I was too young when he was still alive and too afraid of him to be able to talk to him but when I think about it now, I wish I had the balls to do it the day he realized that he was going to burn me alive and sudendly stopped what he was doing, that was probably my only chance to make him understand that he was destroying all the people arround him. I never understood how you can reach that point in your life when you have everything you need right in front of your face. As a result, I've becoming some kind of maladaptive perfectionist and I never took any drugs nor drink alcohol to this day because of this. I really understand Spike when he says that he don't want to do the same mistake. This is probably why I never felt the need to have children and probably never will. I guess I'm too afraid to make mistake and I'd rather not giving me a chance.

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Originally Posted by Coryoon?

I feel you man. My father was also an hardcore alcoholic and got involved in some terrible stuff including death of other people. He died at 39 from what I suppose to be complication from injuries he had for a year, he got stabbed 7 times and was proud of it. There's stuff that can't be forgiven, killing people including his pregnant wife is without a doubt one of them. I was too young when he was still alive and too afraid of him to be able to talk to him but when I think about it now, I wish I had the balls to do it the day he realized that he was going to burn me alive and sudendly stopped what he was doing, that was probably my only chance to make him understand that he was destroying all the people arround him. I never understood how you can reach that point in your life when you have everything you need right in front of your face. As a result, I've becoming some kind of maladaptive perfectionist and I never took any drugs nor drink alcohol to this day because of this. I really understand Spike when he says that he don't want to do the same mistake. This is probably why I never felt the need to have children and probably never will. I guess I'm too afraid to make mistake and I'd rather not giving me a chance.

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What-- what happened?

He litterally beat the shit out of her and have provoked labor and she died when she gave birth prematuraly. I don't know all the details about the rest of his pathetic life but I know that he also had a car accident when he was drunk and one women in the other car died. He was in jail almost all the time.

She died today... this weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time there. Not sure if she could hear me, but I did try to tell her that I was upset with how things went, but over all was happy for her raising me as it made me who I am today. I shared with her my favorite memories and told her she could go (nurse told me that sometimes they need "permission" to go).

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

She died today... this weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time there. Not sure if she could hear me, but I did try to tell her that I was upset with how things went, but over all was happy for her raising me as it made me who I am today. I shared with her my favorite memories and told her she could go (nurse told me that sometimes they need "permission" to go).

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i'm sorry to hear this, man. everyone has their own path in life and eventhough she didn't do a great job with you, she did make you who you are. i hope you're somehow able to make peace with the situation.

take care =)

*brohug* I'm sorry to hear that Spike, but at least her suffering has ended. I wish you and your family the best

I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm happy you were able to have closure.

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Originally Posted by Bobak

I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm happy you were able to have closure.

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I agree with Bobak. You have my condolences.

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

She died today... this weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time there. Not sure if she could hear me, but I did try to tell her that I was upset with how things went, but over all was happy for her raising me as it made me who I am today. I shared with her my favorite memories and told her she could go (nurse told me that sometimes they need "permission" to go).

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Very sorry for the situation and your loss.

Regarding the permission thing, I do believe this. When my dad was dying he was coherent but in a ton of pain and had really lost all dignity. When we had our last talk he told me that if he could just push a button and be gone then that's what he would like to do. But he also told me that he needed to know that it was ok with me.

My condolences to you and your family.

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

She died today... this weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time there. Not sure if she could hear me, but I did try to tell her that I was upset with how things went, but over all was happy for her raising me as it made me who I am today. I shared with her my favorite memories and told her she could go (nurse told me that sometimes they need "permission" to go).

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Sorry to hear this.

If you need to talk, PM.

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Originally Posted by Spike Spiegel

She died today... this weekend, I was able to spend a lot of time there. Not sure if she could hear me, but I did try to tell her that I was upset with how things went, but over all was happy for her raising me as it made me who I am today. I shared with her my favorite memories and told her she could go (nurse told me that sometimes they need "permission" to go).

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I'm glad you were able to get closure. *hug*

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Originally Posted by Arcademan

I agree with Bobak. You have my condolences.

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I agree with the both of you.

Spike I wish you the best. Take it easy space cowboy.

Sorry to hear how things have worked out between you and your mother Spike and sorry for your loss.

And sorry to hear about your father, Seth.

and Coryoon, sorry you had a father like that.

Spike:

I've always enjoyed your posts on here and I am sorry not only for your loss but in addition how it is making you feel.

However, I am happy that you have turned out to be such a positive contributor to not only this website but I would also guess...life.

I am certain your close friends also think so. I am adopted and I have always taken this belief that it is not those that are just blood related that are my family but more importantly...those that treat me like I would want to be treated.

I look forward to all positive days for you.

Egg

sounds like you could take and make something positive from a difficult situation and despite your differences with your mother maybe give her some peace.

Take care

Sorry about your loss, Spike.

Having witnessed a human being dying slowly 3 years ago, it made me appreciate being alive more. Take care.