Snippet from a book im writing

I have no title yet but i would like people to read it and let me know what they think Please

In the frozen lake I saw her raise up, she was sideways on to where I was, fog glided over the lake but her radiating light seemed to melt it away from her so she was surrounded in a shimmering silver orb.

I was floating over the ice slowing getting closer, my long black hair slowly flying away from me, my white nightdress floating around me. Her wings were spread out behind her, they were transparent and shimmering they almost looked like a film like the magic bubbles that you blow when you are a child. She also had a long dress on but it was a glittering white, she looked like a pale white flower floating up caught on the gentlest breeze having been touched by a midnight frost. I didn’t want to make a sound, I didn’t want to disturb her, I didn’t know if I wanted her to see me.

The moon was shining brilliantly and you could see Cassiopeia clearly above her.

She was rising up, she started to fly higher and faster. I didn’t want her to leave I didn’t want to lose her she was such a…rare treasure. She flew up into the light of the moon and the light was so intense I felt that I had been blinded never to see again. I wanted to weep for the loss, the light got brighter I could feel it was engulfing me, I panicked, I let out a long silent scream and awoke.

In the eerie dark calm of my room I shattered the silence with that scream. I sat still in my bed and felt the cool breeze float onto my cheek, I didn’t realize I had left the window open.

No one came to my aid, to see if I was “ok”. I remembered I was all alone in my room. I closed the icy cold window and settled back into my bed. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind of all thoughts.

Please be honest

The writing mechanics are pretty solid, but it didn't really do anything for me. There was nothing about it that makes me feel like I would want to read more of it, maybe if it had been a longer exerpt I might have felt differently.

Ok thanks for the advice, I might put more up but im too sure yet.

good with the descriptive imagery, but still needs more work on the emotional side, i want to see some more feeling in the characters, some more description on what it feel like. it seems as though all that happens is some sort of ghost or something comes from a frozen lake and leaves you stunned. you need to build more on what goes on in that flash of a moment, build more on what exactly happens. i mean i see you're blinded by this things prescence but is there some more to it? is there something more that goes on other than this blinding flash of light created by this ghost like figure?

I think you described it well, and in real detail. But I'm curious where this is going. What is the book about and why is this happening? It left me wanting to have those questions answered. You have a good idea in your description, but there are a few grammatical errors that need to be fixed before it could be published. Keep up the work; I'm sure it'll turn out great.

In some places, it seemed that you were just rapid-firing details without giving the reader enough time to paint a clear picture (sentences like "She also had a long dress on but it was a glittering white, she looked like a pale white flower floating up caught on the gentlest breeze having been touched by a midnight frost," for example).

Slow down, dig deeper, and be gentle with the details.

All those are bits of advice are great, LOL i have no idea where the story is going to go yet, i have reached chapter 2 so when i have done it all i will go through it with a fine tooth comb and i will add a lot more feeling into it and slow it down. Thanks so much for this advice

I tried writing a novel once. I had close to 57 pages...

Haven't done anything with it in about a year....I would have to read it to figure out where to go next. lol

Just another stab at a Vampire story...oh well.

I rewrote it because I was bored.

your redition may be better than mine. it's all subjective.

Typically though, avoid too many of the same type of trope. In your case, try not to abuse simile (like, like, like). Mix it up more.

imagery, in particular, you should make an effort not to beat the images over the the ehad of the user too much. The rule I learned is 1.5 times is enough.

anyhow...

In the frozen lake I saw her raise up sideways on to where I was (horizontally or vertically, just out of curiousity...). Fog glided over the lake melted away from her radiating light; she was surrounded in a shimmering silver orb.

Floating over the ice slowly getting closer to her, my long black hair (slowly - too many slowly...) flying (I bet there's a better word than flying...) away from me, my white nightdress floating (lots of floting too...) around me.(umm... the verbage here is goofy). Her wings were spread out behind her, transparent and shimmering, the glossy film of magic bubbles. Her long dress, glittering white, was a pale white flower floating up caught on the gentlest breeze having been touched by a midnight frost. I didn’t want to make a sound, I didn’t want to disturb her, I didn’t know if I wanted her to see me. The moon and Cassiopeia above her.
( instead of "The moon was shining brilliantly and you could see Cassiopeia clearly above her. " - also, um, what kind of image is this supposed to make with the Cassiopeia constellation??)

She was rising up. She started to fly higher and faster. I didn’t want her to leave; I didn’t want to lose her. She was such a…rare treasure. She flew up into the light of the moon, and the light was so intense I felt that I had been blinded never to see again. I wanted to weep for the loss. The light got brighter I could feel it was engulfing me. I panicked. I let out a long silent scream and awoke.

In the eerie dark calm of my room I shattered the silence with that scream. Frozen still in bed I felt the cool breeze float onto my cheek, not realizing the window left open; realizing instead that no one came to see if I was okay. I remembered I was all alone in my room. I closed the icy cold window and settled back into my bed. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind of all thoughts.

This is all in fun, no disrespect meant to your work... I was bored so I ran it through a text filter.

In th' frozen lake ah sar her raise up, she was sideways on t'whar ah was, fog glided on over th' lake but her radiatin' light seemed t'melt it away fum her so she was surroun'ed in a shimmerin' silvah o'b. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker.

ah was floatin' on over th' ice slowin' gittin' closer, mah long black hair slowly flyin' away fum me, mah white nightdress floatin' aroun' me. Her win's were spread out behind her, they were transparent an' shimmerin' they almost looked like a film like th' magic bubbles thet yo' blow when yer a chile. She also had a long dress on but it was a glitterin' white, she looked like a pale white flower floatin' up caught on th' juntless breeze havin' been touched by a midnight frost. ah didn’t be hankerin' t'make a soun', ah didn’t be hankerin' t'disturb her, ah didn’t knows if ah wanted her t'see me.

Th' moon was shinin' brilliantly an' yo' c'd see Cassiopeia clearly above her.

She was risin' up, she started t'fly higher an' faster. ah didn’t be hankerin' her t'leave ah didn’t be hankerin' t'lose her she was sech a…rare treasure. She flew up into th' light of th' moon an' th' light was so intense ah felt thet ah had been blinded nevah t'see agin. ah wanted t'weep fo' th' lost, th' light got brighter ah c'd feel it was ingu'fin' me, ah panicked, ah let out a long silent scream an' awoke.

In th' eerie dark calm of mah room ah shattered th' silence wif thet scream, dawgone it. ah sat still in mah bed an' felt th' right fine breeze float onto mah cheek, ah didn’t reckanize ah had lef' th' window open, as enny fool kin plainly see.

No one came t'mah aid, t'see eff'n ah was “ok”. ah remembered ah was all alone in mah room, dawgone it. ah closed th' icy cold window an' settled back into mah bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah closed mah eyes an' cleared mah mind of all thunks.

Thanks for the replies but guess what lol! The story couldnt go anywat i think in all i did about 5 chapters and just got stuck now my olc computer has broken and the story is on that! I still like the bit i showed on here and would love to use it again, i just dont what to write about at the moment

Evil wasabi the way you did that was really effective and helped me a heck of a lot so thanks for that

Stickmanloser reading from the filter is well funny Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker