Fscked up Fanfic Mature Saga EP1

John

Ghost of Captain Kidd
Joined
Jun 13, 2001
Posts
1,665
Based on Weird Anime Excel Saga, created by Koshi Rikudo and produced by Watanabe Shinichi, aka Nabeshin. These guys rock, so they would obviously never think of suing a guy like me <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Prologue

The writer, John, and the creator of Mature Saga, Rugal Bernstein, sit around the production table, throwing ideas for the first episode around.
"Magical Girl Mature?"
"No, that's stupid."
"Hand Maid Mature?"
"Dude, that's not cool."

Suddenly, "Ai (Sincere Heart)" plays on WJPP, the J-Pop station.
"That's it!!"

Two weeks later...
"Here's the idea for the series."
Rugal looks at the script. "Hmm... looks interesting."
"Just give it the okay, and we'll start shooting now."
Suddenly, Mature walks in with a Catholic schoolgirl uniform on a hanger. "I am not wearing this."
"Pardon?"
"What the hell is with this costume?"
"Well, you're supposed to be a carefree schoolgirl, and the original part had a fuku."
"What's your point?"
"Well, the fuku is a Japanese schoolgirl uniform. And unless I miss my guess, you're of European descent."
"Yeah."
"This is the closest equivalent."
...
"Okay. You're sure this will be tasteful."
"Yes."

Rugal stands up. "I've made my decision. I, Rugal Bernstein, hereby allow this episode of Fscked up Fanfic Mature Saga to be a Weird Anime."

He then goes to the 4th wall (screen) and pulls out a stamp, leaving a massive R in a circle on the screen.

<IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">

*And... cut to the intro*

[ September 18, 2001: Message edited by: John ]
 

John

Ghost of Captain Kidd
Joined
Jun 13, 2001
Posts
1,665
Chapter 1: And So It Begins... or Does It?

One day, Mature was skipping home from school without a care in the world.
A classmate said to her, "Mature, did you find a job yet?" But Mature didn't notice her, or any of the 50,000 or so people around her.

"~/o OOOOOOORRRROOOOOOOOOOOOCHIIIIIIIIIIII!~/o" She knocked over an ice-cream stand, making dozens of children cry. "~/o OOOOOOOOOOROOOOOOOOOOOOOOCHIIIIIIIIIIII! ~/o" A young man with books up to his nose from his waist was flattened by the unstoppable force that was Mature.

SHe got to a crossroads just as the light turned red for her. "~/o OOOOOOOOOOOOOOROOOOOOOOOOOOOO--"

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. Mature's bookbag flew up in the air.

The EMT's looked over Mature's prone body.
"Is there any hope?"
"How can we save her?"
"Oh well, shit happens I guess. (actual line from E-saga)"

*Mature... Now is not your time...* Suddenly, the symbol of the Orochi appeared before Mature's face. "Nn?" *Mature... get up... you're freaking these people out... see about freaking them out even more...*

Mature just got up, the blood around her formerly pallid corpse seeping back into her somehow.

Later--

"Hail Goenitz-sama!!" Mature saluted her lord, master, and secret crush Goenitz in the fashion she always did, with a giant peace sign.

Goenitz nodded subtly, deigning to acknowledge her appearance.

Mature gave her report, while making weird facial and bodily gestures. "All is working according to plan, Goenitz-sama *head rolls around* I have infiltrated the school system and am ready to propagandize the drinking water *body forms a V* to bring about our victory where we will rule over the world *blush* king and queen, boy and girl *full-body blush* man and wife..."

Goenitz sent a pebble in his hand into Mature's forehead. She, of course, died almost immediately.

Orochi revived her, then ran off muttering something about being too old for this with a big sweatdrop on his head.

Goenitz then looked at her. "This world has become rotten. People are no longer truly alive; rather, they simply go through the motions of living beings. Soul-crushing jobs, fruitless endeavors, mindless decadence, fighting tournaments.

"This is what I want you to do." Goenitz showed a picture of Rugal Bernstein, philanthropist, despot, and member of the Natural Law Party. "This man is in charge of the King of Fighters tournament. He is spreading decadence and filth throughout the world. I want you to kill him."

"Yes certainly Goenitz-sama *eyes bulge* I will do this for you and only you because we are meant to be together even though you just a few moments ago killed me in a way that if David were here right now he would really appreciate because I love you and want to someday turn myself entirely over to you even though you only put up with me because I'm your only subordinate and on an unrelated note, gimme some sugar *jumps towards Goenitz*"

Goenitz calmly shot a compressed burst of air at Mature, blowing her up.

Orochi revived her again, wondering aloud when his pension and gold watch would come in.

--ad--

Mature Saga brought to you by: Mature Brand Industrial/Zoo Strength Deodorant... just the thing when you reek of beasts.

And by: Yagami brand Wasabi... why just have it red-hot... when you can have it purple-hot?
 

Herzog Drei

Ace Ghost Pilot
Joined
Sep 13, 2001
Posts
1,300
Lovely!

Now how about a sequel starring Vice?? <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0">
 

John

Ghost of Captain Kidd
Joined
Jun 13, 2001
Posts
1,665
Originally posted by Herzog Drei:
<STRONG>Lovely!

Now how about a sequel starring Vice?? <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

She'll probably show up later. If you've ever seen the show, there's a character called Hyatt who is Excel's coworker. She dies repeatedly. <IMG SRC="smilies/tongue.gif" border="0">

I haven't updated this in a while, because I had school and a bunch of other stuff...
 

John

Ghost of Captain Kidd
Joined
Jun 13, 2001
Posts
1,665
And now we return to Fscked-up Fanfic Mature Saga...

Rugal Bernstein was looking over the tournament roster and singing to himself.

"o/~ la la la, tournament MC's are the scum of the earth, la la la o/~"

Mature stood behind Rugal, waiting for the moment to strike. Suddenly, an angelic Mature appeared on her right shoulder, with her right index finger set on "full power scold." "Mature, you can't do this. Killing a person is wrong, and you're a decent person deep down; I know you are."

A devilish Mature appeared on the left shoulder. "C'mon, don't be such a goody two-shoes. You really should kill this guy."

"o/~ la la la, it doesn't matter if a tournament organizer dies, la la la o/~"

Angel Mature got in the face of Devil Mature. "I won't let you corrupt Mature like this."

"You want a piece of me?"

"I want the whole thing."

"You talk, but can you back it up?"

A-Mature then slid towards D-Mature and got her up against the wall with a SDM Heaven's Gate, killing her.

Two little Matures dressed as police officers busted through the window, arresting A-Mature for the murder of D-Mature.

Mature stood behind Rugal, confused. With no conscience, she had only instinct. And her instinct (taking the form of a chibi-Goenitz for reasons known only to the fic writer) told her to kill Rugal.

At this point in the series, there would generally be some other image on the screen while the carnage is going on. *sound of SDM chime* But this is text, so there's not really anything there. *random slashing sounds* So, I'll try something else. *"SOMEBODY HELP ME!!"* How are you? How's the weather wherever you live? *"I've never bled so much in all my life!!"* Okay, I'm being told the scene is over... So, let's get back to the story. ^_^'

Mature stood over Rugal, lying in a pool of blood. She stared at her crimson-soaked hands in that "did I just kill somebody with these hands?" sort of way. Oro-sama (the Orochi symbol thingy) appeared before her, saying "You can't kill Rugal!! It's not in the plot! He created all this, and killing him is ultimately counter-productive to the progression of the storyline!" Oro-sama then revived Rugal.

Mature then looked at Rugal with a massive drop of sweat on her forehead. "Go... gomen nasai... daijoubu desu ka?"

Rugal looked and blinked once or twice. Then, the chibi-Goenitz that manifested Mature's instinct then leapt on Rugal's face and gouged his eye out. "AHHH!! I'm bleeding again!! Why is this happening to me?!"

*break*
CRAZY-ASS FANFIC AUTHORS
(Mature Saga written in Katakana)
(Offscreen Rugal Scream "SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO?!?!?")

[ September 25, 2001: Message edited by: John ]
 

John

Ghost of Captain Kidd
Joined
Jun 13, 2001
Posts
1,665
NOT FOR SALE OR RENTAL!
NO AUCTION ON EBAY EITHER!!
(Rugal: "My eye! My beautiful eye!!")
*/break*

Mature was working on her new assignment: putting propaganda in a building under construction.
"I must do this for Goenitz-sama so that he will see how devoted I am to the cause and... oh, hi Kim! o/~"

Kim Kap Hwan. A man stranded. He had been involved in a tournament in South Town to get the money he needed to get his family back in Seoul back on their feet. Unfortunately, he had lost, and the entrance fee, combined with lodging, had cleaned him out. Therefore, he was taking various odd jobs to get back home to Seoul, his wife, and his sons.

Kim was crying in sorrow over his circumstances, but perked up at the sound of Mature's voice. "Ikuze, Mature!"

She knowingly smiled. "Ou!"

They did freaky sentai poses. "KUROSU CHENJAA!!"

"Back to work you two... I'm not paying you two to do that whole senshin... i mean hentai... I mean..."

"Yes, Mr. Freeman. ^^'"

The two got back to setting up the girders on the 50th story of what was to become the Jeff Bogard Memorial Tower. They were carrying a particularly heavy girder over to one side of the site when Mature stepped on a scalding hot rivet. "KYAAAAAA!!" Mature yelped and let go of the girder.

The girder fell on Kim's foot, crushing it. "NOOOOOOO!!" He hopped around, wincing in pain, and fell off the 50th story of the building. "NOOOOOOOO!!!" He died almost immediately upon impact.

*It was not your time. Get up, Kim Kap Hwan.*

Kim got back up, confused. He was in a strange white void. "I was doing so well working on the building but I died! Now I will never get to see my wife's loving face again!! Very... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!*"

Meanwhile, Mature was looking down at the carnage. "Um... sorry, Kim-san. Are you alright? ... Guess not."

Freeman looked at the carnage. "Mr. Howard," he said on his cell phone. "There's a minor setback. Mr. Kim is dead."

"So?"

A voice came out of nowhere. "So... I'm shutting this crooked operation down!!" A crimson flame melted the cell phone into useless slag. *Pan to a guy in a brown Japanese high schooler's uniform with a sun on the back and a monstrous afro*

"Who the bloody fuck are you?"

"I am... *several angles* NAGIKYO!!" Mature's eyes widened at the rescuer. "Your days of putting innocent workers trying to scrape together enough money to get home and see their families again are over!" He jumped down and hit Freeman with a Twilight Wheel attack. Freeman then fell off the building and for some reason hit the ground with a massive cinematic explosion.

That night, Mature lay under the covers of her apartment, wondering how she would explain the events that had transpired to Goenitz-sama. "Best to leave that until the next day." She closed her eyes and slept.

*fade to black*

Experiment 1: Introducing Mature the "Excel"-lent

Today's experiment......failed.

*fade in to writers*
Vice was standing over the writers. "How the hell did I not get into that epidose?! Mature and I are like Martin and Lewis!! The Captain and Tenille! Mutt and JEFF!!"

"Well, Vice, I didn't hear Mature complain when you were in CvS."

*pout* "Fine. You're sure I'll be in the second episode?"

"Yes, just read the script."

*page page page* "What?! I cough up blood every 5 minutes? Who do I look like to you?! TACHIBANA FUCKING UKYO?!?!?!"

"Hey, it could be worse. We could have stuck you in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform."

Mature came in. "Come to think of it, that wasn't all that bad."

END

Cut to mockup of WB logo with "RB" in a circular shield. Mature peeks out of a round little window on the screen."

"Mature Saga. Given name Mature. Family name Mature. In other words, I'm Mature. Blood Type O and Orochi. Third year student with an Associate's Degree in Business and two months' clerical experience. No major or minor offenses. If you're a Kotono Mitsuishi fan, you're watching the wrong anime. Try watching Sailor Moon, Evangelion, Maze, or Excel Saga. If you're a Satoshi Hashimoto fan, however, you've come to the right place Or try Car Robots. I'm not him, but Kim-san is... I mean was... I mean... anyway, thank you for watching Mature Saga and stay tuned for Episode 2: "Looking Death in the Eyes and Making Him Blink." *Imagine the preceding really fast and possibly in Japanese*

*Not to ruin it, but the character Kim is supposed to be here seems to shout "NOOOOOOO!" a lot, creating a massive stone "NO!" in the sky. His life sucks, and his afterlife is even worse. <IMG SRC="smilies/tongue.gif" border="0">

[ September 26, 2001: Message edited by: John ]
 
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