Is this a good story?

Anya Bolton

New Challenger
Joined
Apr 16, 2001
Posts
69
THE LONE WHALE’S SONG

PART 1 :- CALLING

Cathy looked around to see where the voice was coming from. It was soft and mournful. ‘Yiimuushiiid’. It called out. She knew what it meant. [Come and help the father of the Sea Children.] ‘ Halumakkariea keebakha miidareaia’. [Follow the path of voice which tells many stories, songs and warnings which may give you the knowledge of what has happened in a life in the Sea.]
Cathy blindly obeyed. She was only 18 but she knew she needed to listen to what the voice had to say. Her father would have forbidden her to go but her mother would have encouraged her. <Mum does know better than Dad most of the time> She thought. She didn’t stop walking until she reached the tank. The voice was in it and was revealed to be a bull whale. <Chikra> She thought. <[Humpback]>
{Why did you call me here?} Cathy asked.
[I need someone to listen to my tale, someone who would listen.]


PART 2 :- THE WHALE’S PAST


Before I was in this narrow world of glass, I was one with the sea.
I met my mate Dankhachisaii (She Who Has Grace In Her Song) there and we were happy together. If a rival tried to take her away, I defended her. Whenever there was plankton, she told me.
There was a time when all this would end. And it finally came.

Dankhachisaii was with calf so I made sure she came to no harm. But then the monster came.

Its black boddy was largeand its back white with many blowholes which blew out black clouds of air. Before she could escape the monster spat out long pointed teeth, one by one!Three of the teeth pierced into her skin and a large curved tooth struck her in the blowhole!
As the large tooth dragged her away Dankhachisaii’s bloof flowed. A tooth attacked me but all I have left of it is this scar near my blowhole. I watched in horror as the monster took my mate and my unborn calf away to devour them later. Weeks passed and I continously called for my lost mate.

One day I met another monster, instead of devouring me it grabbed me with a large web of thick dried seaweed. I wished to be devoured to join Dankhachisaii and my calf, instead I ended here to be stared at by Man; the real monster who took my family.


PART 3 :- Purpose


The girl was intrigued by his story. {But what can I do?} She asked him in his loud yet silent tongue.
[Tell them, young one. Tell the other people of Man my tale and hopefully they would listen as you listened to me. If they listen, they would not repeat the massacre and see to it others don’t.]


And that is why I have told you this.



You like this?
 

Kyo-wa

n00b
Joined
Apr 11, 2001
Posts
27
wow anya-sama
@.@
it seem like very deep story
^^
Deep yet little sadness linger in air type story ^^:: <-- not making sense here.

^_^
 

Anya Bolton

New Challenger
Joined
Apr 16, 2001
Posts
69
Ah, arigatou Kyo-Wa-chan!


I know what you mean. Someone told me that it's 'sensitively written'.

For me one feedback is enough unless I have something that I feel someone might want to take on ^_^;;;;;

So arigatou for taking the time to read.
 
Joined
Apr 13, 2001
Posts
45
im not really a eco-friendly person, but you almost convinced me!!
very nice!
btw... im guessing you're being predicted A stars in English GCSE eh?
 
B

BlackPanther

Guest
It's da bomb. <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">
 

Batsu_Power

Armored Scrum Object
Joined
Apr 16, 2001
Posts
248
Intriguing and well written, Anya. Great work <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">
 

Anya Bolton

New Challenger
Joined
Apr 16, 2001
Posts
69
Originally posted by Martial Loh:
<STRONG>im not really a eco-friendly person, but you almost convinced me!!
very nice!
btw... im guessing you're being predicted A stars in English GCSE eh?</STRONG>

I haven't thought about that yet ^_^

OP and B_P: Thanx for the feedback. I really appreciate it when ppl take their time to read the stuff I've written. Cheers!
 

JIrish

New Challenger
Joined
Apr 14, 2001
Posts
53
Well, Anya, that wasn't half bad. But I just have one question: is that the end of it, or is there more?
 

remukhan

Krauser's Shoe Shiner
20 Year Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2001
Posts
234
great work Anya!
very sensitive, i dunno how to explain it but it makes u feel emotional. <IMG SRC="smilies/annoyed.gif" border="0">
 

remukhan

Krauser's Shoe Shiner
20 Year Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2001
Posts
234
Originally posted by Lurker:
<STRONG>........but whales don't have feelings....</STRONG>


i said "it makes u feel emotional."

u think u are a whale?
<IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">
 

Anya Bolton

New Challenger
Joined
Apr 16, 2001
Posts
69
Hey! Animals have feelings dammit! *LOL!*

Jrish : It's for you to decide really.

Thanx again for the reviews.


[All] animals have feelings. Think about it when your dog wags its tail and when your cat flicks its tongue.
 

Fat Cat Lim

Geese's Thug
Joined
Apr 12, 2001
Posts
288
Simple short story that is quite straightforward. I like how the whale described the hunting boat. I even felt a bit emotional hearing the whale's tale. ;_;

Though I got a bit confused at first when you wrote "Yiimuushiid" and "Halumakkariea keebakha miidareaia". I thought the whale was speaking Japanese at first. ^_^;; But now I know that it was the whale speaking in his own language.

Fat Cat Lim
 
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