(Good) Jokes

Hell, it can be lame jokes, it can be "its so bad, its funny" jokes, but hopefully it's a good joke.

Everyone, try to list a joke or two in this thread... I'll start.

Okay, this 30 year old man is laying down on a nude beach. This 4 year old girl walks up to him and asks:

"Whats that?"
"My bird"
"And that?"
"Those are my bird's two eggs."
"And that?"
"That's the nest. Now, go play around, coz I am going to sleep."
"Okay."

Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hospital.

"Why am I here?"
The 4 yr old girl was bedside and she explained:
"When you're sleeping, I decided to play with your bird."
"Noooo"
"I was playing with it and then out of nowhere it starts to spit at me. So I got angry and broke the bird's neck. I still was angry, so then I cracked his two eggs. And still not happy, I finished it off by setting the nest on fire."
"You didn't...."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know how close you were to that bird... I'll leave you alone now"

He peers down under the sheets....

.........

.........

.........

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ok,here is mine:
there are 10 men in the water(sea).
how do they fuck each other?

i'll tell you the answer shortly after someone answers this wrongly.

i think my joke is a little lame but i'm just messing around,hehe. <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Originally posted by gans:
<STRONG>ok,here is mine:
there are 10 men in the water(sea).
how do they fuck each other?

i'll tell you the answer shortly after someone answers this wrongly.

i think my joke is a little lame but i'm just messing around,hehe. <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

Click to expand...

oops,i really sorry.i think it goes like this:

there are 10 men in one end of the sea.
how do they get to the other end in order without dispersing from each other?

Here's one of those "its so bad, its funny" jokes.....

What did one statue say to the other stature?

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No, it's NOT "you're pretty stoned" <IMG SRC="smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0">

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Is stat you? <IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">

YEE-HAW

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his cajones(testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem,his friend finally suggested that he go to the doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip in the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The little fellow was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants to see if they still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

Here's a classic ( at least in my opinion <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"> ):

This lady walks into an ice cream shop. The guy at the counter says "Hi. May I help you?".

She tells him "I'd like a dip of chocolate ice cream". He replies, "Sorry, we don't have any chocolate".

She then asks, "Well, do you have any chocolate sprinkles?". He then tells her once more, "Nope. We have no chocolate".

And now she asks, "Do you have any chocolate syrup?". By now, the guy is starting to get a bit flustered.

He then says, "OK, spell the van in Vanilla.". She says "V-A-N".
"Spell the straw in Strawberry,"
"S-T-R-A-W".
"Now, spell the fuck in chocolate."
"There is no fuck in chocolate!"
<IMG SRC="smilies/mad.gif" border="0"> "LADY, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! There is no fuckin' chocolate!"

<IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">

A Polack is sick and tired of hearing Polack jokes, so he decides he wants to become an Italian.

So he gets an Armani suit and starts to speak with an Italian accent. "Waiter, I'd like some linguini and Dom Perignon '74."

Main replies, "I'd like to help you sir, but this is a hardware store."

This is one by the greatest comedian ever, Dave Schappel:

Did you hear the one about the industrious prostitute?
.
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.
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no I didn't
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She had a 2nd vagina installed on her hip, know why?
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No, why?
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So she could make some money on the side!

[ June 07, 2001: Message edited by: gokusama26 ]

How To Bathe A Cat!

1. Clean the commode in your bathroom
thoroughly.
2. Dump enough bubble bath, detergent, or
soap inside the commode.
3. Cuddle your cat, whispering softly into
her ears. Walking slowly towards the
commode while you are caressing your cat.
Make sure that you leave both the bathroom
door and the door leading to the backyard
opened.
4. On top of the commode, let go of your cat
fast and close the toilet bowl lid
immediately, so that you won't have
second thought. Make sure that you put
your weight on the lid either standing
or sitting on it.
5. You can hear the splashing of water in-
side the toilet indicates that your cat
is bathing herself. Don't worry, she will
do just fine on her own.
6. Next, flush the commode several times
making sure that your pussy cat is
thoroughly rinsed.
7. Stand behind the commode before you lift
up the toilet lid.
8. You don't even need to dry your cat.
Once you lift the toilet lid up, I am
sure that your cat will fly into the
backyard to dry herself.

Just follow these eight easy steps, you
will find yourself stress free from now
on when it is time to bath your cat at
home. Good Luck! POOCH the dog

[ June 11, 2001: Message edited by: Mercedes ]

DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Monday

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

ROTFLMAO Mercedes! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Chang Li
Shumai Gorathanui
Baobert
Nakomaru
Beniruru
Chinzuru
Athanos

haha if you guys didn't catch on yet... name plays in various fighting games :P

continue.....

DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Tuesday

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressor, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair.... must try this on their bed.

A cucumber and pickle are having a conversation.
The pickle says to the cucumber "you know,my life really sucks..whenever i get big,fat and juicy,they sprinkle seasonings all over me then put me in a jar".

so the cucumber says:"yeah,you think thats bad,well whenever i get big fat and juicy,they slice me up and put me over salad..."

Just then,a penis is walking by and overhears the conversation,and says:"you think that your life is tough?..you know..whenever i get big fat and juicy,they put a plastic bag over my head,stick me in a dark,smelly room,and make me do push ups till i throw up!"
<IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">

A guy and a girl are in a car, and the girl is breaking up with him.

"Oh come on, why do you have to do this to me? Well, at least let me see it one more time."

Being a good natured girl, she got out of the car, pulled down her underwear, and lifted her skirt.

The guy couldn't see very well, so he lighted a match and bent over for a closer look.

"Goddamn... can you piss through all that hair?"

Puzzled, the girl said "Of course."

"WELL YOU BETTER, CAUSE IT'S ON FIRE!!" <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">

A guy has a really good relationship with his girlfriend, so he decides to get a tatoo on his dick. His girlfriend's name is Wendy, so when his dick isn't erect, it says "Wy".

When he showed it to his girlfriend, she immediately loved it and it drastically improved their sex life. The guy was very pleased.

A few weeks later, he's taking a piss at the mall. A big huge muscular black guy comes to the urinal next to him. The guy looks at the black guy's dick and realizes it too says "Wy". So the guy asks him, "Hey, is your girfriend's name Wendy too?"

The guy says, "Dream on. Mine says Welcome to Jamaica and Have a Nice Day."
<IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">

Continue......

DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Wednesday

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

[ June 13, 2001: Message edited by: Mercedes ]

continue.....

DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Thursday

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.....Hmmm. Not working according to plan....

Do you have a cat Mercedes? <IMG SRC="smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0">

Hi, LASERBLAST, you have a new look! Almost cannot recognize you? Hate to say...a little scary though. <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0"> I do not have a cat because I am allergic to the protein in its saliva. Though I wish I could pry into this arrogant and stubborn species' brain.

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DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Friday

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Originally posted by Mercedes:
<STRONG>Hi, LASERBLAST, you have a new look! Almost cannot recognize you? Hate to say...a little scary though. <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

Click to expand...

You should see my avatar over at GameGo! I got put into the most Kawaii/Cuties avatar poll!
<IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0"> I gotta dig up some cat jokes for you! <IMG SRC="smilies/tickled.gif" border="0">

continue....

DIARY OF A PARANOID CAT

Saturday

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

This one is kinda' morbid, so you've been warned!

There was this man who frequented the whore house in his town at least once a week. While he looked forward to it, at the same time he was becoming tired of the girls who worked there because they'd turned all the tricks they could turn for him. So one night, when he paid the place a visit, he asked the madame "Do you have anything different around here?"

"Hmmm..." the madame thought, then suddenly said "I know! Go up to room 17, there you'll definitely find something different."

Excited, the man ran to the room, opened the door, looked inside, and saw a very beautiful young girl sitting on the side of the bed.

"You're a real cutie," he said to her "but what makes you so special?"

The girl stood up and smiled when she said "This..." and proceeded to pop the glass eye out of her right eye socket. She pointed to it and said "You ever skull-fuck before?"

"Well, no, but-" he stammered "Aw what the hell, you only live once!" So she got down on her knees, he pulled his pants down and then commenced to plugging her socket with his penis.

Over and over he thrusted, he found himself strangely enticed and enjoying every kinky second of the act. Finally, when he'd finished, they layed back on the bed and lit up a cigarette between them. He held her close, and whispered into her ear: "You were great. I'll be back to see you next week..."

She turned slowly to him and whispered back: "Good, I'll keep an eye out for you..."

A fly was flying pretty close to the surface of a stream that flowed through the woods. Little did it know that a fish was looking up at it, and thinking: "If that fly just goes down four more inches, his ass will be mine!"

Up on land, a bear was watching the fish from behind a tree and thinking: "If that fly goes down about four inches, that fish is gonna dive out after it. And when it does, dinner is served!"

Unbeknownst to the bear, a hunter was positioned behind a big rock a little further up on land and watching him. The hunter thought: "If that fly goes down a mere four inches, that fish is sure to jump out and eat it. When the fish comes out, that bear down there is gonna come out from behind that tree and go after it. And when he does, blammo! I'll have me a nice new rug..."

Little did the hunter know that a tiny mouse was watching him from under a shrub, and thinking: "If that fly goes down just four more inches, that fish is gonna jump out and eat him. Of course, when the bear moves for the fish, that hunter over there is gonna have to stand and shoot him. And when he stands to shoot him, his lunchbox will be left unguarded, and the cheese contained inside will be mine!"

Higher up in a tree overlooking the shrub, a cat was poised on a branch and kept an almost unblinking gaze on the tiny mouse that he'd spotted hiding in the shrub. The cat thought: "If that fly goes down about four more inches, that fish swimming around down there is gonna come out after it. Of course, when he comes out after it, the bear is gonna lunge for him, making that hunter down there stand and shoot the bear. And I'd wager that that mouse has his eye on the lunchbox that hunter brought with him thinking there's cheese or something in it he can grab. If that hunter stands up, that mouse is gonna run out of that shrub, and if he does, mouse burgers for dinner!"

So all the animals and the hunter had their eyes fixed on this seemingly insignificant fly, waiting for it to drop. Sure enough it did, and out came the fish!

*chomp* The fish swallowed the fly in one gulp, but before he make it back to the water, the bear had snagged him in his jaws, wringing the life out of him. As the bear turned to take the fish to another spot to eat it, the hunter was putting a shell into the bear, dropping him on the spot. As the mouse noticed the hunter standing, he tore out from under the shrub, quickly dove into the man's lunchbox, grabbed a big piece of cheese, and was turning to flee when he noticed a cat soaring down from the tree above.

The mouse crouched just in the nick of time, and the poor cat cracked his head on the rock the hunter was hiding behind. Knocked unconcious, the cat rolled down the hill, right into the stream, where he drowned.

The moral of the story? When a fly goes down four inches, a pussy is bound to get wet.