Jokes!!

I know Mercedes usually does these, but I'll give it a shot.

A priest is out golfing with a member of his parish. On the first hole, the priest sees his colleague miss a putt and promptly exclaim, "Son of a bitch!"

The priest responds, "My son, God does not like to hear His children curse. I fear He may strike you down if you continue."

Second hole: The man lands in a sand trap and shouts "Shit!"

The priest of course says "Please stop, if not for our sake, then at least for your own. God may strike you down if you continue."

Third hole, the man hits his ball into the woods and shouts "GODDAMMIT!!!" The priest says "God will strike you down if you proceed in your obscenities! Please cease now!!"

Suddenly, a lightning bolt comes down and fries the man to a crisp. As the priest stands in awe at what happened, a booming voice says "FUCK!! I MISSED!!"

Hi, John. I am back with some new jokes!

Whenever you guys dine out in a Chinese restaurant, don't you look forward to read the message embedded in each Chinese fortune cookie?!? If you will just add two words "in bed" at the end of each message, you will find it quite humorous and entertaining. Add these two words to sayings from 'Famous People' as well.

Here are some examples:-

1. To be loved, be lovable "in bed".
2. Words must be weighed and not counted "in bed".
3. You find beauty in ordinary things. Do not lose this ability "in bed".
4. Appearances are often deceiving "in bed".
5. Hope is a waking dream "in bed".
6. While there's life there's hope "in bed".
7. Where your will is ready, you feet are light "in bed".
8. Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds "in bed".
9. If the target is lost, then victory is meaningless "in bed".
10. Other men live to eat, while I eat to live "in bed".
11. A great man is always willing to be little "in bed".
12. You cannot expect to be both grand and comfortable "in bed".
13. The real great man is the man who makes every man feel great "in bed".
14. A just cause is not ruined by a few mistakes "in bed".
15. Liberty is the only thing you cannot have unless you give it to others "in bed".
16. Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed "in bed".
17. Love makes the world go around "in bed".
18. Love cannot be compelled "in bed".
19. A man who finds no satisfaction in himself, seeks for it in vain elsewhere "in bed".
20. No legacy is so rich as honestly "in bed".
21. It's lovely to be silly at the right moment "in bed".
22. Fame is proof that the people are gullible "in bed".
23. Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth "in bed".
24. Truth is more of a stranger than fictiion "in bed".
25. Perseverance is more prevailing than violence "in bed".

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[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: Mercedes ]

Thank God I didn't do that to my last fortune cookie."You are good with animals" <IMG SRC="smilies/spock.gif" border="0">

Laserblast found this one in his fortune cookie:-

You should be able to make money and hold on to it "in bed".


My question to Laserblast is, "Are you going to hold on to it for the rest of your life, in bed?"

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I got one:

A man with poor english walks into a Bread store and say "I want a bum." The store clerk says "Oh, you mean bun." He gets the bun and goes to a bucket store. He then says "I want a fucket." The store clerk says "Oh, you mean bucket." He then recieves a bucket and goes to a pet shop. He gets a dog but then it runs away so he ran up to a women and said "Can you hold my bum and fucket, while I chase my dog."

I know some racist jokes too.(Please dont be affended)

Q:Why are black people good at basketball?

A:Cause there only good at shooting, running and stealing.

Q:Whats the most confusing day in a black mans life?

A:Fathers day


Ill stop if you guys dont like these, but if you want more, Ill post some more.
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Originally posted by D-Mented:
<STRONG>I got one:

A man with poor english walks into a Bread store and say "I want a bum." The store clerk says "Oh, you mean bun." He gets the bun and goes to a bucket store. He then says "I want a fucket." The store clerk says "Oh, you mean bucket." He then recieves a bucket and goes to a pet shop. He gets a dog but then it runs away so he ran up to a women and said "Can you hold my bum and fucket, while I chase my dog."

I know some racist jokes too.(Please dont be affended)

Ill stop if you guys dont like these, but if you want more, Ill post some more.
<IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0"> <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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Those are not welcome here. Offended is spelled with an "O"

Here's one: This black guy dies and is at the Pearly Gates about to be judged by Saint Peter and Saint Peter looks at the book of the dead and says the black guy can't come in and the black guy gets mad and wants the decision appealed to God so Saint Peter says Ok I'll ask him Just stay here and so Peter goes to God and asks him why the black guy can't come in and God gives His reason and Peter comes running back out. He finds the black guy is no longer there and he comes running back to God shouting "God the black guy's gone and so are the Pearly Gates" <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Originally posted by Gemini061176:
<STRONG>Here's one: This black guy dies and is at the Pearly Gates about to be judged by Saint Peter and Saint Peter looks at the book of the dead and says the black guy can't come in and the black guy gets mad and wants the decision appealed to God so Saint Peter says Ok I'll ask him Just stay here and so Peter goes to God and asks him why the black guy can't come in and God gives His reason and Peter comes running back out. He finds the black guy is no longer there and he comes running back to God shouting "God the black guy's gone and so are the Pearly Gates" <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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Please don't post any more of those. <IMG SRC="smilies/veryangry.gif" border="0">

Originally posted by Mercedes:
<STRONG>Laserblast found this one in his fortune cookie:-

You should be able to make money and hold on to it "in bed".


My question to Laserblast is, "Are you going to hold on to it for the rest of your life, in bed?"

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Very funny, ha, ha, ha. <IMG SRC="smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0"> Nice to know I can make money............. <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0">
I should tell em' your fortune cookie..... <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0"> BTW, pretty sorry excuse for Dim Sum, eh? <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0">

[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Laserblast ]

Originally posted by Laserblast:
<STRONG>Very funny, ha, ha, ha. <IMG SRC="smilies/rolleyes.gif" border="0"> Nice to know I can make money............. <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0">
I should tell em' your fortune cookie..... <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0"> BTW, pretty sorry excuse for Dim Sum, eh? <IMG SRC="smilies/ohno.gif" border="0">

[ January 02, 2002: Message edited by: Laserblast ]</STRONG>

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Oh well, you Dim Sum, you Liu Sum <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Anyway, I think the funniest thing I've ever seen is playing Ninja Gaiden II and saying "in bed" after each line. <IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0">

Originally posted by John:
<STRONG>Oh well, you Dim Sum, you Liu Sum <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

Anyway, I think the funniest thing I've ever seen is playing Ninja Gaiden II and saying "in bed" after each line. <IMG SRC="smilies/glee.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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Lui Sum? <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0"> Anyway, been a while since I've played Ninja Gaiden. I may regret this, but shoot a few "in bed" lines from that if you may, I am curious. <IMG SRC="smilies/spock.gif" border="0">

Thank you Daisuke Jigen. I'm a black guy and I tend to whoop ass at times. I hope I didn't "affend" anybody, hahahahahahaha, hahahahaha, hahahahaha.

Originally posted by Laserblast:
<STRONG>Lui Sum? <IMG SRC="smilies/eek2.gif" border="0"> Anyway, been a while since I've played Ninja Gaiden. I may regret this, but shoot a few "in bed" lines from that if you may, I am curious. <IMG SRC="smilies/spock.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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Well think "Liu" as in "Liu Kang" (the way they pronounced "Liu" in MK) and it will all be clear <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">

I actually put Lu Sum at first, but Liu Sum seemed more symmetrical.

And since you asked so nicely...

"Hurry Ryu (in bed). Hit Ashtar in the underground maze (in bed)."

"You... Ashtar! That sword... (in bed)."

"Die, little ninja (in bed)."

Truthfully, it's so much funnier when you see Irene get zapped by the "Dark Sword of Chaos" and fall down in front of Ryu. When you use the "in bed" motif, it just looks so saucy <IMG SRC="smilies/drool2.gif" border="0">

"in bed"......the all purpose punchline. <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0">

Originally posted by Laserblast:
<STRONG>"in bed"......the all purpose punchline. <IMG SRC="smilies/smirk.gif" border="0"></STRONG>

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And "of doom." And when they come together "in bed" "of doom," you get "in the bed of doom." <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

I like Dim Sum. What is Liu Sum? Is it edible?

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Originally posted by Mercedes:
<STRONG>I like Dim Sum. What is Liu Sum? Is it edible?

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It was actually a pun: "You Dim Sum, you Liu Sum." Sound out Liu Sum (taking care to pronounce the Liu like Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat), and all will become clear. <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">