Cameron Diaz rufuses to blow dying kid

Baseley09

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http://www.chaser.com.au/show_story.asp?ID=638&ED=68&CAT=6&NAME=diaz

diaz.jpg


PHILADELPHIA, Monday: The parents of 15-year-old leukaemia patient Josh Morten, who last night passed away after a four year battle with the illness, said they were sorry not to have fulfilled his dying wish to get a blow job from Cameron Diaz.

The courageous teenager told his family two months ago that the one thing he'd really like before he died was to be sucked off by the successful Hollywood actress and former model.

"Josh never asked for much," his father confided. "He never complained about his illness, or made unrealistic demands. So when he requested fellatio from the star of Charlie's Angels and There’s Something About Mary we thought, sure, that’s the least we can do for him."

But attempts to grant Josh his dying wish proved much more difficult than the family had initially thought. Formal requests inviting the star to perform oral sex on their dying son were repeatedly declined.
"We wrote, we rang, we faxed," Mr Morten explained. "And every time it was the same answer: 'Sorry, Ms Diaz is currently unable to comply with your request.' I mean, how unsympathetic can you get? We're talking about a dying kid here! Would it kill her?"

Mr Morten even made a special trip to Los Angeles, to try to talk to the movie star personally outside the premiere of Gangs of New York. "The crowds were ten deep," he said, "and I'm there yelling out to her from the back: 'Will you go down on my son please!', but she didn’t want to know."

With hopes diminishing by the day, Mr Morten placed similar standby requests with the agents representing Catherine Zeta Jones, Jennifer Lopez and Salma Hayek, but in each case the stars refused to co-operate.

"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"
 

abasuto

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That kid's life, or lack of, is almost as tragic as Makismo's. :crying:

EDIT:
Baseley09 said:
What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?" [/I]

That should be inscribed on the kid's tombstone.
 
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bokmeow

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Hahaha, I didn't know Australia had its equivalent of The Onion. Great stuff, now I get The Chaser as a new weekly antidote to the increasingly cynical news business :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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terry.330

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Baseley09 said:
"Who do they think they are, these women!" railed Mr Morten. "They earn millions of dollars and swan about at fancy parties, but when they get a simple request to bring a smile to a young boy far less fortunate than them, they turn their back on you. What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?" [/I]
:lol:
 

bokmeow

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I love this one from the archives:

The Chaser said:
North Korean missile to defect upon reaching US

The North Korean armament dreams of being a US Patriot, like this missile
PYONGYANG, Tuesday: North Korea's longest range missile declared its intentions to defect today, revealing it finally possessed the capabilities to fulfil its long-held dream of emigrating to the west coast of America.

"I am seeking a better life for myself and my family," TZ-801 announced, gathered with his partner, a short-range cruise missile and their two little anti-aircraft missiles. "As soon as I draw my mission to the U.S. I'm out of here."

The warhead claimed it had been politically persecuted its entire life by Kim Jong-Il and his Stalinist regime, who saw it as little more than a government pawn.

But the final straw for TZ-801 came when its best friend, TZ-799 was tragically test-fired into the Pacific Ocean last August. "That was a real wake-up call for me," it declared. "Quite frankly by that stage I was even prepared to defect to South Korea. But then they upgraded me so I could travel to America - I couldn't believe my luck."

"I just hope I'm directed towards L.A," the weapon continued. "I'd love to just soak up the sun for a while, try my hand at acting, maybe even use my experience as a bomb to make a Stephen Seagal flick or two."

"Whatever path I choose, I remain confident. The Bush administration seems very committed to the full employment of nuclear warheads."

This too is hilarious in the context of recent political trends to solicit party defectors as attack dogs:

The Chaser said:
WORLD NEWS
Columnist backs Whitehouse

MIAMI, Sunday: A syndicated columnist has added credibility to the Whitehouse's pro-war stance by drawing on his own experiences as a ex-leftie.

In a damning 350 word report, Josh Schaffer told how he had completely changed his mind since his University days. Schaffer dismissed the global protesters by arguing that he used to be one of them, and so he personally knew that their arguments were "weak" and "unrealistic."

Now he’d "grown up", he realised that American foreign policy was actually the lesser of two evils and because the global protest movement didn't understand this, they were foolishly supporting peace over war.

Mr Schaffer said he thought that deep down most of the protestors actually agreed with him.

Insiders say the report will constitute part of growing dossier of evidence against Iraq that Colin Powell will present to the United Nations security council later this week.
 
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Chicago Cheeseburgler Crew

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They should have just bought him a blonde hooker . I doubt he would notice the difference . I blame the parents for not thinking of this .
 

Atro

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If the kid was Dinkins, she wouldn't refuse.

*SPOOOSH*
 

Shito

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The article doesn't mention the kid was not only dying for his illness, but retard as well, which is pretty clear by his supposed request.. :confused:
 
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Chicago Cheeseburgler Crew

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Shito said:
The article don't mention the kid was not only dying for his illness, but retard as well, which is pretty clear by his supposed request.. :confused:

hey shito, don't you think Cameron Diaz was fucking HAWT! in the beginning of Something About Mary? :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock:
 

Chicago Cheeseburgler Crew

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If that motherfucker plays his cards right I'll blow him.

I may not be Cameron Diaz but I do have cum in my hair (only because Wopat has terrible aim.)
 

Gorka

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Stinky-Dinkins said:
If that motherfucker plays his cards right I'll blow him.

I may not be Cameron Diaz but I do have cum in my hair (only because Wopat has terrible aim.)

I think the article stated that the boy has already died. Is this a problem?
 

thundr51

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Wait, if that kid was only 15, wouldn't that be considered statutory rape?

Anyway, this whole article is good for a chuckle if nothing else...
 

Shito

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buttasuperb said:
hey shito, don't you think Cameron Diaz was fucking HAWT! in the beginning of Something About Mary? :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock: :buttrock:

Never seen that movie. Can't stand demential stuff.

Cameron was kinda nice in "My best friend wedding" (her debut movie I think, is the English title correct?) though.
 

Chicago Cheeseburgler Crew

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Shito said:
Never seen that movie. Can't stand demential stuff.

Cameron was kinda nice in "My best friend wedding" (her debut movie I think, is the English title correct?) though.

She was at her best in The Mask.

Every time I think about her in that movie my little penis starts to dance.
 

Mushiki

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Shito said:
The article doesn't mention the kid was not only dying for his illness, but retard as well, which is pretty clear by his supposed request.. :confused:

My thoughts exactly.
 

aria

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bokmeow said:
"I just hope I'm directed towards L.A," the weapon continued. "I'd love to just soak up the sun for a while, try my hand at acting, maybe even use my experience as a bomb to make a Stephen Seagal flick or two."

Ohhhhhh.... ZING!
 

Mike Shagohod

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I'm sure that was just a bogus report from a Scandal Rag of sorts, but if it was true for some odd reason then I'd have no respect for Cameron Diaz after the fact. It's like the theoretical hostage/terrorist scenario I heard a few years back, rather interesting too, and that was...

If some dude had managed to do the unthinkable and was willing to let everyone go and turn himself in, but all that person asked for was to fuck some hot chick he saw, {didn't have to be a media face} and the police found that said person, and she said no. Then that bitch would have all those lives on her shoulder. I'm laughing at this article, but if it had been true, then I think it would've been her humanitarian/patriot duty {ala' 1941} to carry out the request of that dying young man who was never going to get any in life.

the story is both insanely funny and sad at the same time.

MERCENARY X99
 

Crovax

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I can't believe people are taking this story seriously. It is clearly satire. The Chaser is the Australian equivalent of The Onion.

I thought this article from the archives was pretty funny

Second coming ends prematurely: Jesus shot dead in Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM, Monday: The second coming has ended prematurely after Jesus Christ become the latest casualty of fighting in the Middle East. Jesus was killed after he returned to his birthplace of Bethlehem during an onslaught by the Israeli army. It is believed he was preparing to hand out retribution to sinners and end the world.
Eyewitnesses claim that Jesus was killed by Israeli tank fire while seeking shelter in a local Church.

An Israeli spokesperson described the killing as “easier than the first time”.

Jesus’s father, God, and close relative, the Holy Spirit, have both expressed grief at the death.

“I told him that Bethlehem was too dangerous nowadays,” said God. “But do you think he would listen to his father? I’m never wrong about things like this, or anything in fact.”

Leaders of Christian nations all over the world have called for an end to the fighting as a result of the death.

“I don’t mind a few hundred Palestinians dying, but killing a Christian, let alone Christianity’s founder, is taking it too far,” said US President George W. Bush.

There are reports that Jesus may have risen from the dead three days after being shot. Unfortunately he was killed again by a suicide bomber while enjoying a coffee in Jerusalem.
 
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